pUsHiNg BaCk ThE dArK

     The first few years following Aaron's accident I was in the car so much, going back and fourth to the hospital several times a day and then to the rehab over an hour away sometimes 4-5 times a week. A dear friend made me a CD while Aaron was in the ICU, it's now saved to my iTunes but I believe it was titled "Renee's songs of hope". This was really my first exposure to Christian music, other than the songs at church we sang on Sundays. I was in love instantly and it eventually led me to a local Christian radio station. My station has pretty much been set there from that point on, it always seems that the perfect song is on at the very moment I need it. The words of the songs literally sang to my heart, so many songs gave me hope and uplifted me during some of my darkest moments. These songs also brought me to a better understanding and some peace that I couldn't find anywhere else. In the beginning (and even now sometimes) they help made my heart happy and not so heavy. 

     I have been having a tough few weeks, I will spare most of the details but it started with Aaron not feeling well for a longer than usual time period, him ending up in the hospital for a long weekend, and a string of follow up appointments afterwards that forced me to leave work early and spend lots of time waiting for doctors to see us. (Among other random things!)

    Here's some of the ugly that I don't always like to share...I was feeling pretty "done" in general about Tuesday afternoon. The time change thing definitely was not helping! When I feel this way, it's usually a build up of the feelings I have been holding in just a little longer than I know I should so it isn't always pretty. I usually know when it's one of those times and I know that I need to let it run it's course and pray that I have the strength to get through it and it passes quickly. 

   I don't remember where I was or where I was going but one afternoon, the moment I got in the car and started it, I hear Pushing Back the Dark by Josh Wilson on the radio. Here are just a few verses...


One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.


Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

     Those were that exact words I needed to hear, it was like they were meant just for me in that moment. The a-ha that makes my heart happy again and the relief that comes with knowing what I am feeling and the moments I am going through are a pretty normal thing. 

    As I continue pushing back the dark, I am reminded that there is a much bigger plan. I am thankful that the God I follow is so much bigger and has a purpose that I don't yet understand. 

Making the most of our time in the hospital a few weeks ago...Aaron looking up the football games on his iPad and me working on school stuff on the laptop! 

It'S lIkE rIdInG a BiKe...

   You know the old saying, once you learn to ride a bike you always know how. Well when it comes to a post traumatic brain injury that is not always the case, whether it's riding a bike or anything else you have known and have been able to do practically your entire life. 

    This July we were able to barrow an adult sized tricycle and a helmet thanks to some pretty awesome people. As usual, this was just another crazy idea I had that I thought we could try. With a little assistance, Aaron was able to get onto the bike. Within in minutes he was riding down the road all by himself and I was chasing after him! Steering and braking were a bit of a challenge but practice makes perfect right? We live in a small gated community with a long stretch of street that made this challenge a little easier. I even strapped Jasper in for a ride, against his will of course! 

     Aaron has definitely become an exception to many of the norms associated with what happens after a severe traumatic brain injury. So many things we were told he would never be able to do have been proved wrong time and time again. It has taken over seven years to ride a bike, among many other things, but I am delighted in every bit of progress big and small! There are so many things I never knew I could be excited about and thankful for. 

     A few weeks ago we went out to dinner, I turned around to see where he was as we walked into a restaurant. I thought he was right behind me but to my surprise he had stopped to hold the door for an elderly couple that was walking in behind us. You can imagine my surprise as Aaron always used to hold doors for people! Up until his accident he actually still opened the car door for me wherever we went! 

    "Have patience God isn't finished yet." Philippians 16

wHy Do I sTaY???

    Over the past six years family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers have given me permission to leave my marriage (especially in the first year or two after the accident) and some of them at one time or another have questioned my reason to stay in my marriage. I am not upset with any of those above statements now because I have learned as I look back that they were only concerned for my future as much as they were concerned about Aaron's. At this point, I feel that they have ALL accepted my decision to stay right where I am and want to be, supporting and encouraging me and us as a couple...which is a good feeling. 

   This week was my first week back to school, all good things must come to an end and summer vacation is one of them unfortunately! Aaron and his caregiver resumed our "school schedule", which includes her being at our house at 7am five days a week! Aaron and Alexa (that's our person) find a lot of things to do while I am gone! One afternoon she was working on cleaning up the kitchen and since he was sitting out there with her, she suggested that he practice his writing and he decided to write me a note. 

   Here is the note, he had no help. I took a picture of it and because it's difficult to read since he writes so small, something that we are working on, I have also typed out what it says below the picture. 

Renee, 

I love you.

Thank you for putting up with me and all of my personal stuff. I will try to make it up to you any way I can. 

Love, Aaron

   He is the reason I have stayed. He is as sweet, caring, and considerate as he was when I first met him ten years ago in 2004. We may have some other things thrown in that we didn't plan on that make our life just little more difficult that it once was but that's okay. We are learning to adjust, change, and accept that things aren't the way we had planned them to be. 

    I also know how fortunate to have him be the person I was married to before his accident, it is not often like that for families who have someone with a brain injury as severe as the one Aaron had. I stay for so many reasons but most of all I stay because I love the man he was and is and this note is just a reminder of that! 

AaRoN aNd ThE tErRiBlE hOrRiBlE nO gOoD vErY bAd FeW dAyS!

      One of my favorite children's books of all time is Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. It's about a little boy who has everything go wrong from the moment he wakes up until the time he goes to bed. When he gets really frustrated he tells his family, "I think I will move to Australia!" (Which I've been known to quote on quite a few occasions!) 


      At the end of a bad day last week, this blog idea popped into my head! Although I tend to focus on the good stuff, we have plenty of bad days but I am always thankful there are far more good days than bad days after six years. It all started Tuesday night. Aaron was complaining about pain in his side. I didn't think too much of it since he's still getting used to physical therapy and they are giving him a good work out. 

      Early Wednesday morning I got up for work (I had training) and I noticed he was shivering. He complained of being cold and when I felt him it was obvious he had a temperature. I was on high alert by this point because fevers usually indicate infections which can lead to one of his seizures. To make matters worse, on the way to urgent care he started to complain of feeling like he had to cough, seconds later he vomited all over himself and the front seat and floor of the car. 

    His new doctor is in Lakeland so we made sure to be at the urgent care affiliated with her clinic when it opened at 8am. After getting Aaron in a wheelchair, he could barely walk at this point and into the clinic we were told we had to go to north side (for those of you who do not know the area that mean at least 15-30 more minutes acrosss town). We got to north side and they sent us upstairs to a primary doctor. When we got upstairs to the primary doctor they first were confused why we just didn't see his doctor and then started to be concerned with my choice to bring him to urgent care instead of the ER. Anyone who has ever spent as many days and nights in the ER as we have probably understands that choice and it really wasn't an emergency. 

Aaron fell as asleep waiting for the doctor to come in!

    After some IV fluid (given right at the clinic...AMEN), some tylenol, and a prescription for antibiotics we were finally on our way home to sleep this off!

Much better place for a nap! 

     I dropped Aaron off at the house with our caregiver and went to get his prescriptions at Walmart. Due to unknown construction on the road that I use for a short cut, I arrived at the pharmacy at 1:30...just in time for it to be closed for lunch go figure. So I waited until 2 when they reopened only to find out I had to wait another 45 minutes for the prescription. 

     Around 4, I finally got home. It was a pretty quiet night. I made Aaron some mac and cheese and we found some Netflix shows to watch thanks to some recommendations from friends on Facebook and went to bed early (well Aaron did). 

    Fast forward to the next morning, which was Thursday. I set the alarm for 7:30 because Aaron had therapy and another doctor appointment. Aaron and the dog don't seem to know how to sleep in so they were bothering me before the alarm went off as usual. I felt Aaron stretch (my back was to him) but it was prolonged. I said something to him and after no answer so I turned over to realize he was having a seizure. He was in bed and laying flat, which is always good because it means he will be safe during the seizure. I started timing it, if it goes longer than 3 minutes then I need to call for help. After about 2 minutes I saw him starting to "come out of it" which was a relief. 

    Within minutes my sweet hubby was apologizing and then trying to make me laugh. Of all the seizures I have seen, he has never been so alert and oriented when they have finished which made things one thousand times easier. 

    Since he was doing so well, I got him up and was able to take him to his doctor's appointment. I also called his neurologist to let him know about the seizure to see if we needed to make an appointment, which thankfully we were able to take care of everything over the phone as well as get a good reason why the seizure occurred. 

    After the doctor's appointment, we cancelled therapy and went home to hang out...which we did for the next few days. I was ready to move to Australia after being cooped up in the house and I think Aaron would have gladly gone with me lol! I finally knew Aaron was better on Saturday when he woke up at 8am trying to explain to me that ice cream would make his stomach feel better ;0)

Jasper helping take care of Aaron!

SiX yEaRs LaTeR!

Where does the time go? Today marks SIX years since Aaron's accident. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. From what we can tell, Aaron still has no recollection of that day or the months that followed it.  Many of the things he does remember from early on are from the pictures he has seen and the stories he has heard. 

Aaron of course is doing great at home and we couldn't be happier! He has started to unload the dishwasher for me (although I sometimes find things in strange places or simply can not find them at all), he can get his own drink (he loves to turn the ice machine on when he gets it and by the time I notice it's overflowing), and he can put his dirty laundry away (except for socks, they seem to like the floor next to his side of the bed for some reason). And if you follow Aaron on Facebook you might have noticed that he is bored...a lot! I promise you that we really do try to keep him busy and he often posts once he gets done doing something fun and is resting for a bit! 

Aaron has also been reevaluated for therapies since coming home and is working on some new physical and occupational therapy goals. During another evaluation, a psychologist was surprised to hear the progress Aaron continues to make as far as SIX post accident and said it is rather unusual...GO Aaron :0) Most of Aaron's medicines have been discontinued as well (we haven't messed with the seizure medicines at this point and don't have any plans to for a long time)! 

Our first SIX months...

Aaron in his high back wheelchair

The staff helped slide Aaron over enough so I could squeeze into bed with him!

Hanging out at FINR

More hanging out!

Taking a break at therapy!

Selfie!

Our last SIX months...

Dinner at Mannys!

Wedding date!

Pretending to be tourists!

Water park!

Hanging out at home!

Vacation! 

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has helped us get to where we are SIX years later, there are way too many of you to list by name but you are an important part of this journey too! So many of you (family, old friends, and new friends) have played very important parts in our lives over the past six years...for those who have been our cheerleaders...for those who let me believe in miracles...for those who listen to Aaron stories...for those who celebrate milestones big and small with us...for those who help me take care of Aaron...and most of all for those of you who continue to be a blessing in our lives!

Don't worry about anything instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. -Philippians 4:6

hOmE iS wHeRe YoUr StOrY bEgInS

        A few months after we got married we ended up with our house. Knowing we were probably purchasing it soon after we got married I held onto all of our wedding gift cards so that we would actually be able to afford to do some decorating! This was and still is one of my favorite purchases that we bought with a gift card to Kohls. It was also something we actually agreed on! 

      It has been almost two whole weeks since Aaron has been home, hard to believe! Overall it's been great, we have had a few moments and a few mishaps but I keep reminding myself that I should expect it until things settle down! I have been a little on the tired side but I wouldn't have it any other way!

     I have had to really play nurse a few times, not my favorite job but a job I have learned to do well. We had some scheduling issues due to some paperwork issues...you know how that goes! One day Aaron was forced against his will to go with me and sit and wait while I got my nails done, he also ate the meatballs I had taken to out to thaw for dinner before I got home one afternoon! 

    Our home health aide (or whatever the official title is because I can never remember and it always seems so impersonal) is fabulous and I am not just saying that because she makes my bed! She cooks, does laundry, and cleans up around the house too. Oh...she helps Aaron too and hangs out with him! She also takes the dog (and Aaron) for walks lol!

       Some coworkers invited us out on what ended up to be a quadruple date. One of our sweet friends brought over McDonald's for dinner one night and hung out and played games with Aaron so I could go meet up with other friends for dinner by myself, which was a nice little and much overdue little get away for some me time! We have also learned to love Netflix! 

    We are also noticing that Aaron is more self sufficient at home. The other morning he was in a white t shirt and I set a polo shirt out to help him put on in a little bit after I finished getting ready myself. I happened to look out and there was Aaron with the shirt half way on all by himself. He even had put his socks on too, those are still pretty tricky with one good hand! Then last night I went to the other room to do something and gave him the job of emptying the silverware out of the dishwasher. Well he totally surprised me and when I came back out he had unloaded the whole dishwasher and put what he could away and it was even in the right places! Pretty cool if I say so myself! 

    The cupboards are full and I now buy a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk and I actually have to put it back on the grocery list before the end of the week. I have bread that doesn't get moldy and all kinds of yummy snacks to eat! I even have more than cereal as a choice for breakfast but I still eat the cereal!

     Last but not least, I LOVE our lazy evenings around the house. As you can tell in the picture, so does the dog! Our story is finally beginning (again) now that we are home! 

cHaNgEs

     Our life is going through many changes again, all of them good this time! As we started the process to transition Aaron home I kept thinking about all of the things that were going to change in just a matter of a few months and now it's finally here and I am happy to report that we survived the first week! 

Here are some of the new changes happening in our house...

1. No more driving back and fourth too many times to count,  I have been home before dark and so far before 5pm each night! 

2. All laundry is home, I don't have to pick it up and take it back and fourth and no more overflowing hampers!

3. I have cooked dinner more this week than I have in as long as I can remember, crazy I know, no more drive through! (Well at least not as often!)

4. With dinners come groceries, I actually have some substantial groceries in the house! I have to shop a lot differently than I have been since I don't think Aaron can live on cereal and milk!

5. I can actually turn my cell phone to off, well after I get home from work at least! I don't think my cell phone has been turned off in 5 1/2 years unless I was in an airplane! 

6. I no longer have to talk to the dog at night like he is a human and understands everything I tell him, sometimes I don't know what I did before the dog lol! 

7. There aren't any more late night calls or wake up calls from Aaron because he is bored, he is sleeping when I am! PS This should also be a perk for some other family members since I know they have been blessed with some of these calls too! 

8. I have time for naps in the afternoon, I actually got one in already this week! 

9. Our home health caregiver makes my bed, the last time I remember that my bed was made was when I lived at home with my grandmother! 

10. Last but not least, I am learning to share a bed with Aaron and Jasper. This is probably my least favorite since I have been sandwiched between the two of them all week long! 

ThErE iS nO pLaCe LikE hOmE...

It's been a few months...and a few years in the making but we are excited to announce that we have reached another milestone. 

Aaron is MOVING home...effective immediately!

If you know me well or have asked me about this particular topic then you know this was always a part of MY plan! 

     I'm thrilled to share our BIG secret! I have been avoiding phone calls with Aaron's family for months in order to surprise them with this exciting news! We even visited with his brother and sister in law a few weeks ago and it was all I could do to keep it quiet! And even Aaron didn't know the news until this morning, I figured it would be better that way (if you are Facebook friends with him and have seen his posts then you know exactly what I am talking about)!

     Even though it has come up in conversations many times, in January I received THE call to make it official. I actually got a message first telling me not to worry but we needed to talk about Aaron! There had been a recent care plan meeting and there was good news and bad news. The good news was that he was doing well and he actually surpassed the level of care that the rehab offers! Them the bad news, which wasn't that bad, we needed to find a better fit for him.  So we started talking about all of our options. Without thought, I said no to a group home setting, assisted living was another idea (and still can be if we need it in the future), and last but definitely not least was the option of coming home with help. 

     It has taken a lot of coordination, I am so thankful and beyond blessed with an amazing team of people to help us throughout this process! Just for starters we needed to have a doctor and nurse available as needed, get prescriptions in order, find someone to stay with Aaron and help Aaron at home if I am not there, and find backups to stay with Aaron just in case! (There's actually more than that but I won't bore you with any more details, you get the idea!)


     One of the obstacles we still have is that Aaron still needs 24 hour supervision.  Part of this is due to safety and the rest is because he still needs help with a lot of things like showering and getting dressed. Our most important job was finding the right person to care for Aaron and help him when I am at work or when I am gone. (Cool job right?!) We will also need to have a few back up plans of course.

    We have decide to hire a home health care aide through a local agency. We hope to have one main person that will be with us full time and be with Aaron as much as possible when I can't.  One of our back up plans is an adult day care that the county we live in has. It sounds really funny but it's actually a pretty cool program that we tried out a few summers ago! 

     There will definitely be an adjustment process for everyone and we are all still figuring it out! We are hanging out with our new home health care aide for the new two days, she's great by the way. The dog loves her too which is a plus, our silly dog seems to like four legged friends much better! 

     We will spend the next few days working on the transition from the rehab to home. Aaron will need to do another trial at the daycare (it's their protocol) since it's the back up plan during the beginning of next week. Then we will go from there! 


     

    Thanks to all who have been and continue to be a part of this journey and have prayed and continue to pray for Aaron! Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. 1: Cor. 13-7


     I also couldn't forget to give a very special thanks to our amazing friend, Beth Carter, who I can always count on to help take pictures to celebrate these special memories! You can check her out at http://www.bethcarterphotography.com 

OuT wItH tHe Old...

        Now that I have a little free time, otherwise known as Spring Break, I planned to try to do some updating and possibly add some updates here! I am also working on my Spring Cleaning, which is how I got to this post! 

     Just another small blessing that reminds me of how far we have come and puts a smile on my face...

        When Aaron first started traveling after his accident he required a rather large reusable shopping bag filled with stuff. I imagine it is much like a diaper bag for a child except with adult sized items which requires a much larger (or more full) bag! This bag was one of about three that was stocked completely full of many things including a change of clothes, medical supplies, and even a few bottles of water! I carried it everywhere with us and when it wasn't with us, it stayed in the car in case we needed it! Just recently my bags wore out so I was in need of at least one replacement. 

Old...

      For Christmas, one of Aaron's aunts surprised us and got him a super cool new bag! It is much smaller and holds only the necessities that we absolutely need. As I emptied the old bag out, I realized most of the items were obsolete! I still carry a change of clothes...just in case but I can't tell you the last time we needed them. There are no medical supplies in this bag, did I mention there were no medical supplies in this bag?! It's looks pretty cool if Aaron wants to carry it around too, well if you are an OSU fan! 

New...

cRuSiN'

      A lot of you know that for Spring Break 2006, Aaron and I went on a cruise with a bunch of friends from work. We had a blast and that also happened to be the place where Aaron proposed! I posted a few pictures of that cruise below!

Bon Voyage 2006!

Just after we got engaged in 2006! 

      Fast forward to 2013…a few days before Thanksgiving I got this crazy idea to go on a cruise over Christmas break after I saw advertisements for inexpensive cruise deals. That was all it took, along with Aaron's doctors approval that is! So we booked a 3 day Royal Carribean cruise to the Bahamas! It was kind of a late Christmas gift but early anniversary gift to each other. Other than a birthday trip to Ohio almost three years ago, and a last minute spring break trip to Virginia last year to visit with family, we really haven't gone on a vacation so that made this trip pretty exciting!

Away we sail 2013! 

      We spent our three days eating of course! I think the rest of the time was spent at the pool (my favorite) watching the bowl games on the big screen (Aaron' favorite)! Oh and don't forget an unlimited supply of soft serve ice cream that was only a few feet away at all times! Aaron also enjoyed the Coke machine and all of the different combinations of drinks he could refill at any time! 

The perfect way to watch the game! 

Just a few of our favorite snacks!

Pool time! 

      Another favorite was formal night, there was quite the dilemma getting the dress I ordered thanks to all the Christmas orders online and I ended up having to get something else last minute unfortunately. Aaron lucked out on a clearance deal along with some of his mom's Kohls cash and we found him the perfect suit! Silly me thought maybe we could at least salvage the jacket of his old suit…that was definitely NOT happening lol! So here we are all dressed up with someplace to go! 

All dressed up!

The new suit! 

     We decide to stay on the ship this trip but there was plenty to keep us busy! We went to the movies, a magic show, and a broadway show. We even did a little shopping at some of the stores around the ship. Aaron loves to walk so we spent a lot of time exploring the ship! We even found time to sit around, hang out, and enjoy the view! 

Walking around the ship! 

Hanging out on the main deck! 

     At the end of our weekend I was thankful for a fun vacation away with my hubby! It was uneventful (which always makes me happy) and full or rest and relaxation…perfect! It went so well and we enjoyed ourselves so much that we are talking about doing it again next year! 

Happy Vacationers! 

mAkInG a MoUnTaIn OuT oF a MoLe HiLl...

      I found this on Pinterest this weekend, where else?! Well this was me ALL last week, my mom says I come by it honestly lol!  I was miserable in every aspect last week and all I did was worry. The picture above tells the rest of the story as well as the title of this blog!

     I may have mentioned that I have "those" weeks once in awhile. I try to be strong and keep the big girl pants on but it just didn't happen this week. I know how blessed I am but I was feeling blah. I tried so hard to fake it, a skill that I have come to per-fect most of these kind of weeks, but it was an epic failure. A sweet co-worker, aunt, and two of my "moms" got me at my very best! Even though I felt like a fool while trying to explain my crazy feelings, I was thankful they were there to listen to me cry…literally! And the best part, they didn't judge, they just listened and loved me in that moment.

    In the middle of this I was lucky enough to enjoy a three day weekend to catch up on some me time and chill out. Aaron and I also got to visit with some family from out of town and I got to catch up with a friend at dinner another evening. Again, thanks to Pinterest, I found a great quote.

        I don't want to leave you hanging, however, this was how I felt the end of the weekend. Things are feeling back to our normal and I am feeling more like myself. I realized that even though I only feel like I am tiptoeing at this point,  I am at least going in the right direction! It's funny how everything just seems to make sense all of a sudden, I just wish I could remember this each time I start to make a mountain out of a mole hill!