sHoP uNtIL wE dRoP

     Until the accident, we have always done everything together, even shop.  Anyone who knows me, even my first graders, know that I love to shop even if it's just looking. It is nice to drag Aaron along again, even though he has almost always gone willingly! 

    I am glad to be rid of the wheelchair (we do still use it for BIG trips), that proved to be a challenge in itself. His extra big wheelchair could usually fit through the main isle but between the clothing racks were a bit of a challenge. The crowds can be tricky, Aaron refuses to let me run into or over anyone! And the displays in the middle of the aisles, we still run into those no matter how we travel around the store. We trade the walker for a shopping cart at some stores unless I know we will be there for a long period of time where Aaron will need to sit and rest. We also test out Aaron's driving skills from time to time using the battery powered carts...remember those displays, we get one every time or at least a corner of a shelf!

Aaron "driving" for the first time 8/09!

    The dressing room always proves to be interesting and/or entertaining since I can't leave Aaron unsupervised (for his safety). I can either take him in with me or find a seat right outside the dressing room where I can talk through the door so that I can hear him the entire time! The picture below was taken in a dressing room where there was not seat for him to sit outside and wait, needless to say he had to go in the dressing room with me. I told him to close his eyes and this is what I turned around to...need I say more?!

Peek a boo!

   Now that I know the specifics about all of the public restrooms at most of my favorite stores that part is not so bad. In the beginning I used to only take Aaron to places where I knew there was either a single restroom or a special "family" restroom because the thought that Aaron might need to use the bathroom just stressed me out. I am not ashamed to take him in the women's but we do try to respect that other women may want their privacy so we do avoid that if at all possible! We did the men's once, that was enough. Oh yeah and I forgot to add that if I have to go, he has to go with me...now if that is not "for better or worse" then I don't know what is!

   

    

gOoD gRiEf

     There are seven stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and hope. I didn't even think of myself as grieving until about eight months after Aaron's accident when I was talking to an old friend and he connected my feelings and thoughts due to our unique circumstances to these stages. 

    I have had a tendency to make what Aaron and I have gone through look easy, or I try to fool everyone anyways. It's always been easy for me to share the exciting steps, the happy moments, and the good pictures. Until recently, I have only shared bits and pieces with different people. I have strategically tried to spread those pieces out just enough so that no one has enough information to truly judge my feelings or choices. I haven't completely been able to admit how hard this journey has been for me personally and that's just part of the reason I decided to write about it through this blog. 

    I lived through the first four stages while Aaron was in the ICU after his accident had just happened. I remember thinking this isn't happening to us. Aaron will be ok by the end of the summer. Please just let him be ok. Why did I let him get that stupid motorcycle in the first place? Looking back, those were probably the easiest stages to go through, everything happened so fast that there wasn't time to think...I was just doing whatever it was that needed to be done. 

   The first feeling of "normal" came when I started back to work at the end of the summer of '08. I had the opportunity to change grade levels to make it easier on myself but I knew I needed something to be the same, even if it was just going back to the same grade level as the year before. As much as I looked forward to being at work and going back to my old routine, I hadn't thought about how it would be different without Aaron not being there. I wasn't prepared for the next stages of grief that were to come and are still coming after all Aaron didn't die, he lived through the worse scenario imaginable. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that this grieving thing would just magically disappear once he started getting better. 

   The stages of anger, depression, and hope have definitely continued to come and go and come back again when I least expect them. Every once in awhile the bargaining and guilt stages get thrown in for a short time along the way. 

    Another friend told me that she read that grief lasts for seven years, which would mean that I have three more to go. In all honesty, I think grieving is different for everyone, I don't think there is a defined time line. I also think we all grieve in our own ways, some of which I am not too proud to admit yet and that would have to be a whole other blog post! I used to struggle with the feelings I was having that went with each stage of grieving but as time goes on it the feelings are getting better, the stages are getting easier. I am feeling more and more like my old self and grieving has actually turned into a good healthy thing. 

    At the end of (almost) everyday, I can look back and know what I feel is normal. There is nothing that says it better than Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord...plans to give you a HOPE and a future." 

Our most recent picture...Saturday night date at Red Lobster!