gOoD gRiEf

     There are seven stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and hope. I didn't even think of myself as grieving until about eight months after Aaron's accident when I was talking to an old friend and he connected my feelings and thoughts due to our unique circumstances to these stages. 

    I have had a tendency to make what Aaron and I have gone through look easy, or I try to fool everyone anyways. It's always been easy for me to share the exciting steps, the happy moments, and the good pictures. Until recently, I have only shared bits and pieces with different people. I have strategically tried to spread those pieces out just enough so that no one has enough information to truly judge my feelings or choices. I haven't completely been able to admit how hard this journey has been for me personally and that's just part of the reason I decided to write about it through this blog. 

    I lived through the first four stages while Aaron was in the ICU after his accident had just happened. I remember thinking this isn't happening to us. Aaron will be ok by the end of the summer. Please just let him be ok. Why did I let him get that stupid motorcycle in the first place? Looking back, those were probably the easiest stages to go through, everything happened so fast that there wasn't time to think...I was just doing whatever it was that needed to be done. 

   The first feeling of "normal" came when I started back to work at the end of the summer of '08. I had the opportunity to change grade levels to make it easier on myself but I knew I needed something to be the same, even if it was just going back to the same grade level as the year before. As much as I looked forward to being at work and going back to my old routine, I hadn't thought about how it would be different without Aaron not being there. I wasn't prepared for the next stages of grief that were to come and are still coming after all Aaron didn't die, he lived through the worse scenario imaginable. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that this grieving thing would just magically disappear once he started getting better. 

   The stages of anger, depression, and hope have definitely continued to come and go and come back again when I least expect them. Every once in awhile the bargaining and guilt stages get thrown in for a short time along the way. 

    Another friend told me that she read that grief lasts for seven years, which would mean that I have three more to go. In all honesty, I think grieving is different for everyone, I don't think there is a defined time line. I also think we all grieve in our own ways, some of which I am not too proud to admit yet and that would have to be a whole other blog post! I used to struggle with the feelings I was having that went with each stage of grieving but as time goes on it the feelings are getting better, the stages are getting easier. I am feeling more and more like my old self and grieving has actually turned into a good healthy thing. 

    At the end of (almost) everyday, I can look back and know what I feel is normal. There is nothing that says it better than Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord...plans to give you a HOPE and a future." 

Our most recent picture...Saturday night date at Red Lobster!