oUr PaTh

I have seen this image on a few different Facebook pages recently and this topic has been on my heart for some time. 

I can not write this without admitting that I am 100% guilty of thinking I have understood someone else's journey at one time or another.

It's much easier to look at someone else's journey and think...I wouldn't do it "that" way. It's also easy to have those feelings..."if it were me then I'd...". But the truth is that if it's not you then you don't know and you really don't need to offer your thoughts and opinions unless solicited. (And even then, don't expect to like everything you will hear!) 

There are so many chapters to this journey that I often forget what I have shared, there are many more to write, and there are many being added. 

I referred to the tough stuff early on and it seems like each time I start to write about it, I chicken out. I do not want to incriminate anyone in particular and I try to beat around the bush at times.  Each part of our journey is important because there are the parts that have made us stronger, there are parts that have changed our path in big and small ways, there are the parts that have changed who we are, and there are the parts that have taught us things we will never forget. 

I have always worried what others thought, let's be honest. 

In the beginning of this journey I didn't have the capacity to care what anyone thought, I was pretty much in survival mode. It was kind of nice for once. Unfortunately this only lasted about 2-3 months, then we started to settle in to our new reality and began to understand what a brain injury was and some of the things that would become a part of our journey.

This all started with the questions regarding my marriage. Would I stay married to Aaron? Many people told me that they would understood if I walked away. Many people told me that Aaron would understand too, he wouldn't want me to live this life. I know the people closest to me said it out of love and concern and they were allowed a pass this time, I could hear it from them. It was the people who didn't really know me or Aaron who were speaking up on this topic that really upset me. These were people who did not know us or our relationship that were asking these questions during such a difficult time. It still happens, unfortunately, even as recent as last summer I still had a person who realized who I was ask if I was still married to Aaron.

It has also been a long and drawn out journey figuring out how to bring Aaron home for good. It's been on my to-do list for oh about five years now and it's still not obviously been crossed off. I remember talking about it in the ICU that first summer, I remember talking about it early in rehab. I remember people who knew a lot more than me about brain injuries looking at me with such doubt. We have come such a long way and I am still working on it. I am still determined to make it happen someday, somehow. We have come leaps and bounds! We started about three and a half years ago with day trips, soon after adding overnight trips. We tried two weeks home last summer with success. As of last month, we have been able to fly twice out of state to see family. We are headed in that direction but we are just not there...yet. I am still as determined as I started out to be to make it happen, it is still a work in progress but there are too many "what ifs" at the moment and some logistics to figure out. 

Here comes the next part...me and my journey as the wife and caregiver. I assure you that I am doing the best I can with what we have been given. It took me a long time and a lot of convincing from others that it's okay for me to have my time and do things for myself. (And Aaron tells me he is okay with this too now which makes me feel a million times better!) Early on I spent so much time taking care of Aaron, I was constantly reminded that I need to take care of me too! Someone we met at the very beginning of this journey and has become an important part of Aaron's and my life told me that any normal husband and wife need their time apart, it's healthy! The first big thing I did was to go on a short spring break trip to Vegas with a friend about two years after Aaron's accident. I can not begin to tell you how guilty I felt. I still feel guilty if I take a night (or two) off and do not go see Aaron. I feel guilty when I sit at home by myself on a Saturday morning just because I can be lazy for a few hours. I feel guilty if I visit Aaron for only 30 minutes because I had a long day at work and I haven't even been home yet. 

At the end of the day, Aaron and I have this crazy little journey of ours figured out for this moment. Although it may appear a certain way to you, it definitely looks a whole lot different from our perspective!  

Not everyone can understand your journey but hopefully the people most important to you will be there just willing to walk beside you! 

mY aMeRiCaN iDoL

Before Aaron's accident, I wouldn't say we were big TV watchers. We were too busy living life (and both going to grad school) to actually sit down on the couch and watch TV. On occasion I would sneak in an episode of the Bachelor when he had something else to do, I would catch him watching Big Bang Theory or How I Met Your Mother when I walked in from class. Of course ESPN was on first thing each morning and the TV was on for any major sporting event, especially if it involved Ohio State! 

There was a time where I 'd leave work by 4, drive an hour to see Aaron in Wauchula...somewhere between there I'd get take out for dinner and eat it in the car. I would get there by 6 and to make it worth the long trip I'd stay for at least a couple of hours. Most nights I would just crawl into bed with him when I got there. 

If you have ever been to Wauchula you know that the TV is the only thing we had to entertain ourselves at night. Aaron wasn't a fan of all of the crime shows and that was pretty much all that seemed to be on around 8-10pm in the evenings so we had to find something else to watch! 

This was the time when he was starting to whisper FINALLY, I was desperately trying to get him to talk and encouraging everyone who was visiting to do the same. I had become irritated trying to spell things from a print out of a computer keyboard, although Aaron was getting good at it! 

The therapists also told me to do things with him that he enjoyed before the accident. It would probably have been easier to stick with watching ESPN but I soon found out that American Idol was much more entertaining! 

We spent the rest of that season singing our hearts out, well I tried to sing and encouraged Aaron to join me! It became even more fun when the contestants performed "old" songs that Aaron began to mouth (and eventually sing) the words to. At this point we were still dealing with some major memory glitches as well so I was amazed at how much he remembered!

It wasn't long before we took American Idol on the road with us when we started being able to travel outside of the facility, I'd turn on some of our old favorites as loud as I could and sing along with Aaron! 

It's been almost five years of singing to the radio or American Idol together and it is still one of my favorite things to do with Aaron!

I couldn't think of a better ending to this blog than to share some of my personal favorite songs to hear Aaron sing: "Whoomp There is Is", "Fresh Prince of Belair" (theme song), "Baby Got Back", and my newest favorite..."Thrift Shop" lol!