oUr PaTh

I have seen this image on a few different Facebook pages recently and this topic has been on my heart for some time. 

I can not write this without admitting that I am 100% guilty of thinking I have understood someone else's journey at one time or another.

It's much easier to look at someone else's journey and think...I wouldn't do it "that" way. It's also easy to have those feelings..."if it were me then I'd...". But the truth is that if it's not you then you don't know and you really don't need to offer your thoughts and opinions unless solicited. (And even then, don't expect to like everything you will hear!) 

There are so many chapters to this journey that I often forget what I have shared, there are many more to write, and there are many being added. 

I referred to the tough stuff early on and it seems like each time I start to write about it, I chicken out. I do not want to incriminate anyone in particular and I try to beat around the bush at times.  Each part of our journey is important because there are the parts that have made us stronger, there are parts that have changed our path in big and small ways, there are the parts that have changed who we are, and there are the parts that have taught us things we will never forget. 

I have always worried what others thought, let's be honest. 

In the beginning of this journey I didn't have the capacity to care what anyone thought, I was pretty much in survival mode. It was kind of nice for once. Unfortunately this only lasted about 2-3 months, then we started to settle in to our new reality and began to understand what a brain injury was and some of the things that would become a part of our journey.

This all started with the questions regarding my marriage. Would I stay married to Aaron? Many people told me that they would understood if I walked away. Many people told me that Aaron would understand too, he wouldn't want me to live this life. I know the people closest to me said it out of love and concern and they were allowed a pass this time, I could hear it from them. It was the people who didn't really know me or Aaron who were speaking up on this topic that really upset me. These were people who did not know us or our relationship that were asking these questions during such a difficult time. It still happens, unfortunately, even as recent as last summer I still had a person who realized who I was ask if I was still married to Aaron.

It has also been a long and drawn out journey figuring out how to bring Aaron home for good. It's been on my to-do list for oh about five years now and it's still not obviously been crossed off. I remember talking about it in the ICU that first summer, I remember talking about it early in rehab. I remember people who knew a lot more than me about brain injuries looking at me with such doubt. We have come such a long way and I am still working on it. I am still determined to make it happen someday, somehow. We have come leaps and bounds! We started about three and a half years ago with day trips, soon after adding overnight trips. We tried two weeks home last summer with success. As of last month, we have been able to fly twice out of state to see family. We are headed in that direction but we are just not there...yet. I am still as determined as I started out to be to make it happen, it is still a work in progress but there are too many "what ifs" at the moment and some logistics to figure out. 

Here comes the next part...me and my journey as the wife and caregiver. I assure you that I am doing the best I can with what we have been given. It took me a long time and a lot of convincing from others that it's okay for me to have my time and do things for myself. (And Aaron tells me he is okay with this too now which makes me feel a million times better!) Early on I spent so much time taking care of Aaron, I was constantly reminded that I need to take care of me too! Someone we met at the very beginning of this journey and has become an important part of Aaron's and my life told me that any normal husband and wife need their time apart, it's healthy! The first big thing I did was to go on a short spring break trip to Vegas with a friend about two years after Aaron's accident. I can not begin to tell you how guilty I felt. I still feel guilty if I take a night (or two) off and do not go see Aaron. I feel guilty when I sit at home by myself on a Saturday morning just because I can be lazy for a few hours. I feel guilty if I visit Aaron for only 30 minutes because I had a long day at work and I haven't even been home yet. 

At the end of the day, Aaron and I have this crazy little journey of ours figured out for this moment. Although it may appear a certain way to you, it definitely looks a whole lot different from our perspective!  

Not everyone can understand your journey but hopefully the people most important to you will be there just willing to walk beside you!