tOuGh CoNvErSaTiOnS

       I have had to endure more than my fair share of tough conversations over the past five years...some good, some bad, and some just plain ugly. I am learning to let go of the ones that are over or at least look back and laugh at them. I am learning to to move forward with some, replacing my once rehearsed generic answers with something more heartfelt and honest. 

    Out of all the crazy and difficult conversations I had in regards to Aaron's condition, I  had never realized that my toughest ones would be the ones that I actually had with Aaron. These didn't come early and they surely didn't come all at once. It was probably the past year or two when he started getting better and started sorting things out and becoming himself again that he started asking more questions and was able to look at the big picture in front of him. 

    One of the reasons I am able to stick right by him "in sickness and for worse" is that he is appreciative of all I do. Honestly, I can't think of a time where he wasn't (even before the accident). He thanks me for "putting up with him", doing the laundry, taking him out, bring him chicken nuggets, calling him, helping him in the bathroom….this list could go on. 

      Through many conversations, he blames himself (another typical Aaron-ism even before the accident). We have been over and over the what's and the why's of what we know about the accident and I can't convince him otherwise. It's hard to see him blame himself for something that was an unfortunate accident beyond our realm of understanding. 

      I think the first time I heard him thank me for putting up with him my heart almost broke. As any other couple I know, we didn't  quite see eye to eye on this subject and it made me sad because I wanted him to see it my way this time. I didn't want him to feel that he was a burden, because that's the direction the conversation soon took but it was he who insisted he was. We have never really settled our disagreement and he still argues his side and I still defend mine. 

     Tough conversations are just another part of this crazy journey we are on. I must admit, if I have to have them with anyone, I couldn't think of anyone better to have them then with Aaron! I am also thankful to be done with the ones with the doctors!