pUsHiNg BaCk ThE dArK

     The first few years following Aaron's accident I was in the car so much, going back and fourth to the hospital several times a day and then to the rehab over an hour away sometimes 4-5 times a week. A dear friend made me a CD while Aaron was in the ICU, it's now saved to my iTunes but I believe it was titled "Renee's songs of hope". This was really my first exposure to Christian music, other than the songs at church we sang on Sundays. I was in love instantly and it eventually led me to a local Christian radio station. My station has pretty much been set there from that point on, it always seems that the perfect song is on at the very moment I need it. The words of the songs literally sang to my heart, so many songs gave me hope and uplifted me during some of my darkest moments. These songs also brought me to a better understanding and some peace that I couldn't find anywhere else. In the beginning (and even now sometimes) they help made my heart happy and not so heavy. 

     I have been having a tough few weeks, I will spare most of the details but it started with Aaron not feeling well for a longer than usual time period, him ending up in the hospital for a long weekend, and a string of follow up appointments afterwards that forced me to leave work early and spend lots of time waiting for doctors to see us. (Among other random things!)

    Here's some of the ugly that I don't always like to share...I was feeling pretty "done" in general about Tuesday afternoon. The time change thing definitely was not helping! When I feel this way, it's usually a build up of the feelings I have been holding in just a little longer than I know I should so it isn't always pretty. I usually know when it's one of those times and I know that I need to let it run it's course and pray that I have the strength to get through it and it passes quickly. 

   I don't remember where I was or where I was going but one afternoon, the moment I got in the car and started it, I hear Pushing Back the Dark by Josh Wilson on the radio. Here are just a few verses...


One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.


Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

     Those were that exact words I needed to hear, it was like they were meant just for me in that moment. The a-ha that makes my heart happy again and the relief that comes with knowing what I am feeling and the moments I am going through are a pretty normal thing. 

    As I continue pushing back the dark, I am reminded that there is a much bigger plan. I am thankful that the God I follow is so much bigger and has a purpose that I don't yet understand. 

Making the most of our time in the hospital a few weeks ago...Aaron looking up the football games on his iPad and me working on school stuff on the laptop!