When I started writing this blog it was to share our experiences, up close and personal with the true details of what our life is really like since Aaron's accident. Some of it was meant to be therapeutic for me. In some big or small way, I was hoping it might also give someone else who is going through something similar something to take away to help them through their own storm. Still I tend to still share what it on the surface and stay away from the more personal topics.
It has taken a few months of editing this over and over to really decide what to share and how to share it. I am tired of keeping it in and pretending that it is not a big deal, when in fact it is quite a big deal for us. While some people know bits and pieces and I am getting more and more comfortable sharing small pieces, I have kept a lot to myself and I think I am finally brave enough to just let it go while I continue trying to accept the things I can not change and do not have control over.
This is just another part of our story, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I might also want to add, at this time I am not writing about this particular topic to get your thoughts or opinions. There is nothing I want you to say, there is nothing I want you to do...other than listen. If you are one of those people that feel the need to say something, please respect me by doing it through private messages or a prayer.
I should warn you, there will probably be a short novel to follow and possibly several others on this subject in the near future since there is no simple answer. So here it goes...
I know this may (or may not) surprise some of you but inquiring minds want to know if we will have a family of our own someday. It is a question that many have asked, sometimes without thinking and sometimes after pondering it until I figured out what they wanted to ask and saved them the trouble by blurting out the answer. I can't say I blame anyone, it was a question I also had after the accident.
While the baby question is the most common question I have been asked since Aaron's accident, it is also the question I have avoided answering truthfully. I can usually sense when this question is coming so I am usually prepared for it. I have become very good at putting on my game face and giving my generic answers, you may even recognize my two favorites. My favorite and most logic answer was the "goal" of moving Aaron back home. My second favorite and also somewhat logical answer was taking about the guidance position I wanted after all that hard work getting through graduate school. To me it sounded pretty good, although I am not sure how well I actually fooled people.
Now that I have accomplished both of those (which I am pretty stoked about by the way) and can not use those answers, I have decided that maybe I just need to be open and honest with myself and others. I can finally talk about it without ending up in tears. I am also ready to stop bottling it up and pretending like it's not something that is frequently on my mind and in my prayers. (And Aaron's too!)
If you haven't figured it out by now, we do still want a family of our own. We realize there are obstacles that we didn't plan on and we may need to tweak some of those original plans. To be honest, we are at the point that we are not even sure if it's possible. As I continue to get up close and personal, I can also share that we are learning that it is not something we can control and we are continuing to learn to have faith in a plan that is bigger and better than anything Aaron and I could have come up with when we dreamt of how our life together was going to be.
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