tHaNkFuL

      Each November I see the random posts of things to be thankful start on Facebook, except I usually see it too many days into it to remember to actually do it myself! This year I saw a friend's post the very first day of November so I decided to give it a try this year too. While most of the things I posted were silly little things, I happened to run across this quote and it seemed to go with the thankfulness theme and be a bit of inspiration for a new addition to my blog. 

"The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us." -James E. Faust

     Even thought Aaron is 100% a part of all this, I am writing strictly about how/what I feel and know. As he gets better and you have conversations with both of us you will see how our experiences, feelings, and memories are completely different throughout the past five and a half years. Just like he has, I have had my own battles. Even though Aaron was living and breathing and even listening he hasn't always had the capacity to help me deal with some of the tough stuff and there have been times he has I have opted to keep him out of it just for the sake of giving him a few less worries. Let me elaborate by saying that if you know Aaron well, sitting around worrying about others is something he does well and since he was doing a lot of sitting at one point I did not want to burden him with anything else with so much on his plate, leaving his main focus on getting better. 

    That last two years were a few of my toughest, I have tried to write about it many times but I just could never get it "right" so this is yet another attempt that I may end up deleting before I finish...

    One of the main struggles I have had is that I once felt the need to be "normal" (maybe "average" is a better word to use) as long as I can remember. It's not that I didn't appreciate what I had/have, because I did/do, I just wanted so much to be like everyone else…boring I know! As I get older and more experienced in life, that does seem pretty silly but that is how I felt for a long time. Just when I started feeling that I was accomplishing those "normal" things, which included; graduating from college, moving to Florida/entering into the teaching profession (that was a fiasco as well), getting engaged/married, and purchasing our first house…it all went from wonderfully normal to completely confusing and crazy within two to three days after Aaron's accident. Things haven't been the same since then but I finally starting to be able to accept how things are and the blessings that come with this "normal"! 

     Even though I know that good relationships take a lot of give and take, a lot of patience, a lot of forgiving, and a lot of accepting yet I have struggled with many relationships since the accident. I know that good, healthy relationships take work during normal circumstances but throw in a catastrophic accident and all hell seemed to break loose! I have continued to struggle with this and honestly still do.  I usually blame myself, maybe because it's easier. I have had struggles with both family and friends some known and some unsaid. I have purposefully shut people out to avoid hurt (sometimes on my end, sometimes on theirs), I have given up on some relationships because they were too hard or I felt they just weren't going to work no matter how hard I tried. I have also avoided relationships simply because I didn't know how to make them work. I used to dread meeting new people because they might not understand or might judge our situation or just feel sorry for us. I hated seeing old friends at times because things were not they way they used to be. I have been challenging myself to do better in both these areas. It's still a work in progress and I am not perfect and as you can see it's all just plain confusing.  

    No matter how I look at things or how I feel, I know we are continually surrounded by blessings big and small and my heart is thankful no matter how different things are than how I thought they were supposed to be. At the end of the yucky days and tough years…I  am ThAnKfUl because I know God's plan is better than any plan I had for myself and Aaron. 



   
   

oUr PaTh

I have seen this image on a few different Facebook pages recently and this topic has been on my heart for some time. 

I can not write this without admitting that I am 100% guilty of thinking I have understood someone else's journey at one time or another.

It's much easier to look at someone else's journey and think...I wouldn't do it "that" way. It's also easy to have those feelings..."if it were me then I'd...". But the truth is that if it's not you then you don't know and you really don't need to offer your thoughts and opinions unless solicited. (And even then, don't expect to like everything you will hear!) 

There are so many chapters to this journey that I often forget what I have shared, there are many more to write, and there are many being added. 

I referred to the tough stuff early on and it seems like each time I start to write about it, I chicken out. I do not want to incriminate anyone in particular and I try to beat around the bush at times.  Each part of our journey is important because there are the parts that have made us stronger, there are parts that have changed our path in big and small ways, there are the parts that have changed who we are, and there are the parts that have taught us things we will never forget. 

I have always worried what others thought, let's be honest. 

In the beginning of this journey I didn't have the capacity to care what anyone thought, I was pretty much in survival mode. It was kind of nice for once. Unfortunately this only lasted about 2-3 months, then we started to settle in to our new reality and began to understand what a brain injury was and some of the things that would become a part of our journey.

This all started with the questions regarding my marriage. Would I stay married to Aaron? Many people told me that they would understood if I walked away. Many people told me that Aaron would understand too, he wouldn't want me to live this life. I know the people closest to me said it out of love and concern and they were allowed a pass this time, I could hear it from them. It was the people who didn't really know me or Aaron who were speaking up on this topic that really upset me. These were people who did not know us or our relationship that were asking these questions during such a difficult time. It still happens, unfortunately, even as recent as last summer I still had a person who realized who I was ask if I was still married to Aaron.

It has also been a long and drawn out journey figuring out how to bring Aaron home for good. It's been on my to-do list for oh about five years now and it's still not obviously been crossed off. I remember talking about it in the ICU that first summer, I remember talking about it early in rehab. I remember people who knew a lot more than me about brain injuries looking at me with such doubt. We have come such a long way and I am still working on it. I am still determined to make it happen someday, somehow. We have come leaps and bounds! We started about three and a half years ago with day trips, soon after adding overnight trips. We tried two weeks home last summer with success. As of last month, we have been able to fly twice out of state to see family. We are headed in that direction but we are just not there...yet. I am still as determined as I started out to be to make it happen, it is still a work in progress but there are too many "what ifs" at the moment and some logistics to figure out. 

Here comes the next part...me and my journey as the wife and caregiver. I assure you that I am doing the best I can with what we have been given. It took me a long time and a lot of convincing from others that it's okay for me to have my time and do things for myself. (And Aaron tells me he is okay with this too now which makes me feel a million times better!) Early on I spent so much time taking care of Aaron, I was constantly reminded that I need to take care of me too! Someone we met at the very beginning of this journey and has become an important part of Aaron's and my life told me that any normal husband and wife need their time apart, it's healthy! The first big thing I did was to go on a short spring break trip to Vegas with a friend about two years after Aaron's accident. I can not begin to tell you how guilty I felt. I still feel guilty if I take a night (or two) off and do not go see Aaron. I feel guilty when I sit at home by myself on a Saturday morning just because I can be lazy for a few hours. I feel guilty if I visit Aaron for only 30 minutes because I had a long day at work and I haven't even been home yet. 

At the end of the day, Aaron and I have this crazy little journey of ours figured out for this moment. Although it may appear a certain way to you, it definitely looks a whole lot different from our perspective!  

Not everyone can understand your journey but hopefully the people most important to you will be there just willing to walk beside you!