pReSsINg fOrWaRd...EIGHT yEaRs lATeR!

And just like that, here we are EIGHT years later!

I have spent that past week looking through old pictures. I even found some of the first things I journaled right after Aaron's accident, long before blogging was even popular.  I am in awe. Believe it or not, I am speechless by the story they tell, the one I so vaguely remember, and all of the many details that have since faded into memories. I often forget is that Aaron's only real memories are from the stories he's heard or pictures he has seen, at least during the first few years. 

Even though I do it on a somewhat regular basis, June 16th will always be the day that I remember that we are not where we once were. I am thankful that we didn't go where the doctors and nurses thought we might go and that God had a much better plan. We are also blessed with second chances and many miracles over the past eight years; Aaron's ability to relearn and his body to heal, the family and friends who have loved us through this and continue to do so, friends and acquaintances who have become our village and do life with us, the doctors and specialists and therapists who all have helped Aaron get better in big and small ways, the many prayers that have been answered, and our ability to find joy in this journey.

It's not always easy and even though we still face a few obstacles here and there, we are always excited to see what the next year brings as we keep pressing forward!

RiSk Or ReGrEt???

    Several years have gone into planning what our future family might look like and there were a few years in there that we were not ready for a family of our own for so many reasons and God's timing now makes sense. However, as many of you know, we opened our hearts to adoption (both public and private) over this past year and really trusted that God opened these doors for a reason and had a plan. We also started taking more risks by pursuing adoption.

   We were over the moon to actually get an approved home study in the fall, with Aaron's medical history hanging over our heads many were skeptical that we could even pass a home study. We also had an unexpected blessing just a few weeks following that which would open more doors than we ever knew were possible. There are also sweet friends who keep their eyes and ears open for kiddos who needed a good home and are still recommending us as a forever family whenever possible to their families, friends, and acquaintances.

    Those of you who have adopted or have considered adopting know that adoption is rather complicated and can take a long time. The matching process, well it's something that can be both exciting and terrifying all at once. It can also take two weeks, two months, two years or even more. Through the state adoptions, you are able to do some of your own searches of children who need a home and are eligible for adoption. (We have that site bookmarked and look through it frequently.) The public system we are involved with also hosts special events from time to time that we are invited to go and meet actual children that need a forever home. In private adoptions, you leave it to someone to share your story and in our case a book about our family and pray that a birth mom chooses you. There is also a time period even after you are matched and a potential child enters your home that you continue to work with agencies to make sure they are in a home that is best suited for them and are doing well.

     Our first inquiry was from the public agency in November. It was a sibling group. The agency got right back to us and let us know that they hoped to match this group with a family where one parent could stay at home with them full time, something we were not prepared to do. We were excited to inquire and at the same time slightly disappointed for the potential match to be done so soon, of course we also knew that realistically it was the first of what we knew would be many.

    In early December we received a call about a sibling group. It seemed to good to be true that we may get kids for Christmas but we soon started getting a lot of details about the process and what we were potentially committing to. There were several phone calls and texts back and fourth. We started to get excited about the possibilities of having a match. After some waiting to find out the next steps, we found out that there were some concerns with Aaron's medical history being matched with children younger than school age. The agency had to consider the possibility of our family not being the best match for this sibling group. Even though we understood, we had really gotten our hopes up and we were really disappointed when it was all said and done. Again we knew there would be more matches and this was just a part of the process to find the right family for the siblings. 

   Right after we returned to school in early January, we received a call from our adoption lawyer (who we have been connected with off and on for over the past two years) with the exciting news of a birth mom who picked us to be the parents of her soon to be born baby. She was having a boy and was due mid April. Less than two weeks later, we had the opportunity to met our potential birth mom. Even though she had already picked us, I was convinced that she may not like us after she met us and change her mind but as you can probably guess, our visit went great. It was so much easier than I ever thought it would be and we had a nice lunch. Aaron and I spent the rest of January and most of February keeping our news as quiet as we could and were "cautiously optimistic", which was advice given to us by friends who have adopted. Once we started signing paperwork and finances were involved (this is part of private adoption)  sometime in February we finally started sharing our exciting news. With more advice from friends, we bought only the bare necessities. If you know me well you know that this took a lot of self control and I had to revert to window shopping for the meantime. As much as we appreciated all of our families and friends excitement we also requested no showers be thrown before the baby was born, again more advice given to us. We were excited to have our second visit with our birth mom the middle of March. It was even better than our first visit, we had ice cream and our birth mom surprised us and gave us her recent sonogram pictures to keep! We made plans for the hospital when the baby was born. We left the visit reassured that this was really happening and we were going to be parents in a month or less. It was hard to contain our excitement. I started to make arrangements to be off work, we packed a diaper bag and even put the car seat in the car so we were ready when we got the call. We started getting serious about baby names and even found a pediatrician we liked. Before we knew it, it was already April and we were weeks or days away from that phone call to let us know that we needed to come to the hospital to meet our baby boy.

     We got what we thought was THAT call one rainy Saturday afternoon as we were running errands around town. As soon as we saw who was calling our hearts skipped a beat and we answered as quick as we could only to find out that the baby boy had been born and the birth mom had decided to keep him. While we knew that was a possibility all along and she had every right to choose to parent, we were crushed and also taken by surprise. I didn't really want to talk to anyone and tell everyone the disappointing news so we spent the next hour texting, private messaging, and emailing everyone who knew about the adoption and were eagerly awaiting the news of the baby's arrival with us.

    There is a lot of risk involved in public or private adoption (and fertility treatments too). We have known that all along and are prepared as much as we can be. As trying as these past few months have been and as difficult as the past few weeks were, at least we can say we have no regrets.

One of the reasons we continue to choose to take risks is so we have no regrets. 

    

gRoWiNg PaInS

     There was a period over the past (almost) eight years that it seemed that things were constantly changing and we were constantly experiencing growing pains. 

    The huge transition from the ICU to the rehab was just the beginning of our growing pains. At that point, I knew the machines and I knew when Aaron was "good". I trusted the staff. I knew my way around the hospital. I was devastated, yet relieved, to know that we had literally survived and the next steps we were about to take were in the most positive direction anyone could have ever imagined. I don't even know if I can consider this a growing pain, I'll just be honest (and probably only a few people until now know) this was a hard transition for me and I had a major melt down before, during, and after the big move.

   The growing pains continued as Aaron settled in to the next part of our journey almost an hour away from home. The new room felt sterile and somewhat reminded me of the hospital and we inherited a roommate, which I was less than thrilled about. Before I knew it we were upgraded to a single room with Tommy Hilfiger furniture and we felt like we had entered the Hilton in a different building and not long after that we were moved to a similar room uptown. Aaron continued to do well and I adjusted, there was the consistency of the staff we had grown to love and appreciate. The therapists who we bonded with and to this day are still some of my favorites! I could count on them and trust them to do what was best for Aaron, even if I wasn't there. After about two years Aaron continued to do well and we started having conversations about Aaron's continued care, after all he was surpassing what the rehab was supposed to do for him. The thought of leaving terrified me and it didn't help when we felt some push back from the rehab and their long term plan didn't so much match ours...more growing pains, to say the least. 

   Our next stop was somewhere local. I could literally drive there for a visit after work and be home by dinner. I was excited about this transition but then came the reality of a new building, a new room, a new staff. There was also a level of independence that Aaron had not yet been allowed to have and that was a huge growing pain in itself! It should have been a good thing but not only was it a transition for him but for me as well I also had to build new relationships and learn to trust new staff members. There were a few hiccups the first night and the second day but I was learning to speak up and I was getting good at advocating for Aaron. Again, we adjusted and settled in as we had done before. Some of my most memorable growing pains were some changes in therapists, several room moves due to remodeling, and some staff members that didn't quite see it our way. 

   Moving Aaron home was easy and exciting and it seemed pretty painless actually. It did change everything all over again and I pretty much felt I had home under control so I never really anticipated any growing pains once we got here. In fact, the transition has been pretty easy and we have adapted well over the past two years with little to no growing pains, at least not like the ones I fondly remember from early on. 

    This week that I realized that we still will have some growing pains. I saw this quote and it it put our growing pains into perspective today (and all the ones over the past almost eight years). 

    As much as I am struggling right now with some growing pains and how much I have struggled with the previous ones, how lucky (and blessed) are we to have the ability to grow?! 

For us, growing pains also mean that Aaron is still getting better <3 

Letting Go

     I realized I haven't written in awhile, truth is I am often thinking of what I could write and it's just a matter of sitting down long enough to do it. The idea for this one came to me at the end of December after a trip to Disney with friends, since then two other events happened and they seemed to somewhat go along with the original idea I had wanted to write about.

Part 1: 

    Over the holiday's, Aaron's best college friend was in town and invited us to join him and his family at Animal Kingdom the following day. If you have never been to Animal Kingdom it's a fun place to visit and as usual Disney goes all out, including the authentic jungle terrain that includes imprints of animal tracks, a variety of vegetation on the sidewalk, and lots of slopes and hills. If you have a walker it feels like an obstacle course with booby traps, it is also quite the work out for whomever is helping. Without too much thought, I decided to dust off the custom built wheelchair that's been sitting in the same corner in our garage for three plus years and take it too to make our trip easier and more enjoyable for the both of us. It made me realize that taking the wheelchair is not a big deal, it is actually helpful and much less exhausting for the both of us. We were both happy campers leaving Disney that day and I was reminded that we have the wheelchair for a reason and it's not a bad one. Using the wheelchair doesn't change the what Aaron can do. The past few years I have been so set on "pushing" Aaron that I forgot how much easier it was to literally push him in that wheelchair for a few hours. 

Happy pusher!

Happy Rider!

    

Part 2:

    The next two things I am about to share don't have pictures to go with them but I am sure you will agree that even if I did they may not be appropriate for social media! I tend to rely on staff to help with Aaron, I rarely use family and friends. If you know me, you know if I leave you with Aaron it is usually because I am desperate and have no other options. 

     A friend from work had convinced me to sign up for a local boot camp, Aaron's mom happened to be visiting for a few weeks in January so it was the perfect opportunity for me to take advantage of the extra help and go at 7am on a Saturday morning. I was finishing up that first morning and had been away from the house less than an hour and a half when Aaron FaceTimed me and is laughing. All I could make out was that they "had made a mess". I rushed home thinking it was the stupid dog, oh how I wish that would have been the case. Out of no where, there are usually warning signs, Aaron needed to use the bathroom while I was gone. Not knowing that it may have been coming, I neglected to give his mom the bathroom 101 course. So two things happened here. The first thing was that someone other than myself or trained staff needed to help Aaron, granted I know it was his mom it was still something I had tried to avoid for his dignity (And from what I gather, when there was no other choice, it wasn't as big of deal to Aaron as it was me.) Second Aaron clogged the toilet, his mom tried to flush it, then it overflowed. This situation drenched our master bath in, well, you know!!! I will leave it there but you can imagine the mess, it's the kind that you don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think Aaron covered the laughing and his mom may have covered the crying...I just got what was left of the mess. It's not an everyday occurrence thankfully but it from time to time these crazy random things seem to happen to us. This  time was so much different because someone else got my perspective and I learned that it's okay. I know his mom could have done without this experience and I know that it might have been easier for me to deal with it but the reality is that I wasn't there. I can't be there all the time and I definitely can't control what happens when I am not there. 

Part 3:

      Last but definitely not least, I've been volunteering at a girls camp the past few years for an entire weekend in February. It includes over night and when Aaron moved home it meant that we needed to get 24 hour coverage for him while I was away. The first year we had people lined up and then they cancelled their shifts at the last minute, this year was not much different. The company and I managed to work out a last minute schedule with the staff that got me where I needed to be most of the weekend but there were still a few glitches to work through. 

     I found out late Friday night that one of the ladies scheduled to help cover the Sunday shift was only available until 11:30 am, camp ends at 12 but it also takes over half an hour to drive home.  I started brainstorming friends  who were in town and not volunteering at camp with me who might be able to help cover that time on Sunday morning. It hit me at lunch when I saw our friend's husband (she was also volunteering with me for the weekend) stopped out at camp to see for lunch. He of course agreed to help without a second thought. I jumped in the car as soon as the girls left and I could go home. When I arrived home, I walked in to an empty living room. When I realized the guys were in the master bathroom, panic set in. All I could think for those three seconds it took me to walk into the bathroom was that I couldn't believe that Aaron couldn't wait an hour to use the bathroom until I got home (makes sense doesn't it?!) and that if there was a repeat of the last bathroom incident we may be one less friend! Thankfully it wasn't a #2 problem this time and our sweet friend was listening to Aaron give directions for him to help empty the catheter. Although I was still modified and embarrassed that our friend was helping with THIS I was also overwhelmed with his willingness to help out even when it may have been uncomfortable or just a little bit gross. As I stood there looking over them and apologizing at least six times (probably more), I realized the guys were okay. They totally had it under control and our sweet friend was helping with such graciousness. My heart got big and in that moment I was reminded how thankful I was for that friend and that maybe THIS wasn't as big of a thing as I had been making it out to be in my head all these years. 

   Letting go isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, I just need to find the courage to do it more often. I may have been uncomfortable  with it at first but it was good to be able to let a few things go recently. 

LeAvInG tHe DoOrs Open

        When it comes to having a family of our own, adoption has been and is one of the options we have considered all along.

        We have spoken with many couples who have adopted over the past few years. We have heard their stories. Some went through agencies and had to drain their savings and one even put their child on their credit card. Others found a baby to adopt through a friend of a friend and were able to do a private adoption. And yet others fostered and were able to adopt the children already living in their homes. It wasn't long before we found out that adoption looks different for everyone. 

     In researching agencies, it is scary and there are a lot of considerations to take into account and preferences to decide on. Other agencies required thousands of dollars in advance, which is okay, but will not be refunded if the birth mother is changes her mind and decides to keep the baby after he or she is born. 

Most agencies specifically ask for two healthy parents.    

Knowing the challenge of being able to convince agencies that Aaron is indeed healthy for all intensive purposes and has some limitations is proving to be our biggest challenge when we look at adoption. 

        After talking to a few of the agencies and getting a recommendation from a dear friend's church, we were put in touch with a lawyer through Tampa. She was willing to work with us, there was only one problem, Aaron didn't live at home during that time. She had said that no one would take us seriously if I couldn't even care for my husband at home. I knew what she meant. Adoption (through an agency) would have to be postponed or would it? 

        It was that very same afternoon that I met with someone that helps us handle Aaron's care. She explained that Aaron had surpassed the need for the level of care he was getting at the rehab facility and we needed to talk about Aaron's options...one of which was moving home with me permanently. 

tHe RiGhT rOad?

         As a side note, what I am about to share here through this particular post will pretty much sums up where we are at in the present. I know a few people who have been asking what the current situation was and wanting to know if I have any exciting news or surprises...oh and be prepared for even more up close and personal.

    After we went through some preliminary testing and more procedures during the summer of 2013, Aaron and I decided that we were finally ready to "try" to get pregnant during the fall of 2013. This would only be possible with the help of the fertility specialists who were convinced they could help us make having a family of our own a reality. We had looked at all of the other options and discussed the pros and cons in depth, this option seemed the most reasonable. It allowed us to be making the decisions and not having to rely on others to decide whether or not we could be parents. Believe it or not, it was one of the more affordable options too even though insurance doesn't cover much at all. 

      Everything appeared to be in order. The doctor we see recommended insemination, the easy and the least expensive approach offered when dealing with our obstacles, given that I was healthy and young enough. Our chances of success were pretty similar to those who are trying to get pregnant under normal circumstances each month. I was apprehensive, Aaron was supportive, and the doctor remained optimistic. 

   You would think me, the planner, would be ready for this. Every step of this is planned down to the day and sometimes to the hour. Of course it is planned around my body's schedule and my body does not run like clockwork, making it more of a challenge. Many appointments are scheduled as a result of timing of my body, sometimes giving me as little as 24 hour notice until an appointment. I should mention, the specialist we see is also on the other side of Orlando so the unpredictable traffic can sometimes add stress to the whole thing. And of course, if you know me, I  do anything and everything to be at work and make appointments in the late afternoon and/or vacations as possible which has been difficult and not even an option most times. 

     The first time we did an insemination probably was the worst. Since I have never been pregnant, I have no idea what to expect if it were to work. Turns out the "two week wait" as they called it makes you absolutely crazy, well it makes me crazy anyhow! Google didn't help either. I did know, however, the day it would show up on a test. I was advised not to test until that 14th day. And let's be honest, I felt it was highly unlikely that we'd be successful that first time. That would have been much to easy. Only Aaron, my mom, and my "Florida mom" as I often refer to her as knew that we had done the first round. I didn't need to go out and buy a test since I didn't even make it to the 14th day that month.

    For the second time around, I was even more apprehensive but we decided to go through a second cycle anyhow. Only Aaron knew this time. The doctor had recommend at least 3-4 cycles to start out. This time I couldn't take it, I just knew it wasn't going to happen so I tested a few days before that 14th day. The test was negative, just like I expected. 

     Again, the doctor remained optimistic. He encouraged us to finish out at least one to two more cycles. In the meantime, we added a medication that made sure I ovulated regularly (even though we were pretty certain I was). This also added an extra appointment each month to make sure I had not developed any cysts, a side effect of the medication. The medication somewhat enhanced normal PMS symptoms for me, which also can be easily confused with pregnancy symptoms. And IT was confusing and annoying. I did not want to get my hopes up. We did cycle three and four with this medication, both were unsuccessful. 

    I was ready to quit. This obviously wasn't working. The doctor remained optimistic and kept encouraging us that there was still a good chance that we could have a family of our own. He said we needed to give it a year. We eventually added an injection that I gave to myself each month that would ensure our timing was absolutely perfect. With this came more appointments and ultrasounds to check everything regularly. More "symptoms" occurred which I was used to from the other medication but I kept getting my hopes up because maybe this was it? My body seemed to be cooperating from what the doctor could tell me, my "numbers" even indicated high enough levels to be pregnant at times. Again, it all of the attempts were unsuccessful and came with more disappointment. 

    As of December 2014, we have done six inseminations and all have been unsuccessful. I keep thinking about quitting. Aaron is supportive either way. The doctor is still encouraging and hasn't ruled out any possibilities or recommended another type of treatment at this point.

 

hIs TiMiNg

      In the heartbreak of knowing we might not be able to have our own family I was faced with a past full of plans and dreams that would no longer become realities, a present that I was having trouble seeing a purpose, and a future that seemed very uncertain. For the first time since Aaron's accident I was not strong, I was very broken. I had fought through the first few years without the thoughts of the future as the day to day battles were the priorities. 

          I was still keeping and had kept a lot of my feelings from Aaron. I knew he felt like it was his fault and that was not a burden I felt he needed to bear. If you knew him well before he accident then you probably know exactly what I am talking about. It wasn't him that caused this, it was the stupid accident. 

    During this time I really started questioning God's plans for our life. We had already been through so much that I felt like this one thing wasn't too much to ask for or was it? I began to also question if I just needed to accept that Aaron and I would never have children and move on? I went back and fourth with these thoughts for months. I was afraid to say it out loud for the fear of being judged or told we were crazy to even want to consider having a family given our current situation. 

   At one point, I even started questioning if we were okay not having children. I thought about the reasons Aaron and I had wanted children before his accident. I even began asking random friends and acquaintances their view on having children and the reasons they would start or had started their own family and why some of them had chosen not to have children. Interestingly enough, most of the answers I got were not rocket science. Most of our friends and acquaintances who wanted children or had children couldn't even tell me a good reason other than it was the next thing to do after they got married. 

    More months went by. I started getting brave enough to talk about what we were going through but I was guarded. When I did talk about it, I chose specific people and limited the amounts of information I disclosed. We had our supporters but I soon found out that no everyone was thrilled about the idea. No one ever said we were wrong or even that we were crazy, I could just tell they thought it was a bad idea. Some even gave specific reasons to support how I felt about their responses and what I thought they were really trying to say. Whether they were judging our decisions or note and whether they were just worried about the load that would add I am still unsure because I was afraid to ask. But it hurt and I already was struggling with it all, it just made my heart hurt more. 

   I keep talking about me but it's important to me that people know that Aaron has been involved in each and every decision that affected both our lives from the time he could finally shake his head yes or no and use a pencil eraser to point to a printed key board to spell his responses to us. Any life altering decisions since the months following Aaron's accident have not been taken lightly and most of all they have not been made without Aaron backing them. 

     I continued to struggle, mostly alone. I continued to be strong when I was with Aaron, often crying on my ride home after seeing him. I continued to push through, putting what I couldn't control out of my mind as much as I could and worked hard at accepting it for what it was. Even though I had just let a handful of people know about pieces of what was happening, I finally stopped talking to others altogether for fear that they would continue to disagree or judge what was best for our future. 

    I was communicating through Facebook with an old friend from a small group I had been part of right after Aaron's accident. She was also struggling with infertility on a different level and had written some things on her page. I don't remember exactly what she wrote but I remember reading it and driving in the car on the way to work a day or two later and it hit me on morning, that a-ha moment where it all made sense and I realized God hadn't said no but he had said not right now. I got it, I felt peace on this subject for the first time in months. I was able to focus on the positive, I knew it wasn't a good time to start a family whether it was possible or not. We weren't ready, I wasn't ready, and there were still too many what ifs lingering. This realization bought me some time and helped me go back having Faith in God's plan and more important, His timing.  

ObStAcLeS

    The conversations about the possibilities of Aaron and I one day having a family of our own started out of my own curiosity after Aaron was at FINR in 2009. Aaron wasn't involved in these conversation at this time, it just became something I had started thinking about. At one point, I ran some thoughts by someone who has become near and dear to the both of us over the past six years with that simple...do you think it is still a possibility? My question was well received and surprisingly I didn't feel that silly for asking...and hoping.  

    Soon after that conversation, that same person was by my side as we took the same thoughts and questions to Aaron's urologist. In case you didn't know, it's not something that we always broadcast, Aaron has a lot of bladder issues dating back to his days in the ICU. We can speculate several of the causes but the truth is we can't change anything. The doctors did what had to be done to keep Aaron alive at that point and due to some factors out of any ones control, Aaron had to get what is called a supra pubic catheter soon after he started his rehabilitation a few months after the accident. It was meant to be temporary at the time but he still has that tube through his belly. It goes directly into his bladder, leading to a leg bag where urine drains. At first I thought it was kind of gross, okay I thought it was really gross and I tried to hide it from everyone. We have had several years to get used to it and it's not so bad anymore. It's something that is most likely permanent even though we have looked alternative options, talked to several doctors, and have been given several opinions. In the big picture it really is a little thing and we just have learned to deal with it...have I lost you yet?

    So this short version of that, summing up what I just explained, Aaron and I would need to use a fertility specialist if we were to ever consider having a baby of our own. At this time, Aaron wasn't well enough to where I felt we could come to a mutual agreement to what we wanted as far as a family or what measures we were willing to take. We weren't ready for this yet and I knew that in my heart so I set my thoughts and questions aside for about the next year and and a half. 

   Sometime in 2011 we started talking it over a little at a time and were able to come to the conclusion that we did want to still have a family of our own...someday. We didn't know when or how but after some research, talking with friends had gone through fertility treatments, and many phone calls we were put in touch with a urologist that did this kind of stuff every day. We had also had a consultation with a fertility doctor who was more than willing to help us and even excited to be a part of our mess. Both came highly recommended and were very encouraging and got us excited about the possibilities. 


    By 2012 Aaron went through two procedures along with medication to "help" on his end. We kept it pretty discrete and only a few people even knew what we were up to. The facility that Aaron was at during that time didn't even know, I used to sneak him the medication each night when I visited in order to protect our privacy. Even though the urologist was highly optimistic both attempts were unsuccessful. I hid as much disappointment as I could, especially from Aaron and few people actually knew what we were going through. 

    At this point, I just knew our chances of having our own family were over. The finality of it hit me hard, I had held hope for so many other random things over the past few years but there truly was an answer to this and it wasn't the one I had wanted to hear. 

   We had one more follow up appointment with the specialist before we were released to Aaron's regular urologist and to our surprise he had a few more ideas if we wanted to hear them. The fertility doctor also had some suggestions if we were interested. At that point, we had been ready to accept what was and just work on moving on but for some reason these two doctors convinced us to  that our final answer might not really be final after all, there was still hope. 

     So here I was feeling heartbroken and hopeless with the possibility of starting all over but still with no guarantees. My heart was broken not once but twice and now we faced the possibility of being let down again. I wasn't sure I could do it all over, much less put Aaron through it for a third time. This is when we decided take a break, pray about it and, consider other options. 

uP cLoSe AnD pErSoNaL

     I will still tell you if we talk about Aaron's accident and all that we have gone through the past six and a half years, we are blessed! I believe this with all my heart and I absolutely count those blessings each and every day! 

     When I started writing this blog it was to share our experiences, up close and personal with the true details of what our life is really like since Aaron's accident. Some of it was meant to be therapeutic for me. In some big or small way,  I was hoping it might also give someone else who is going through something similar something to take away to help them through their own storm. Still I tend to still share what it on the surface and stay away from the more personal topics. 


     It has taken a few months of editing this over and over to really decide what to share and how to share it. I am tired of keeping it in and pretending that it is not a big deal, when in fact it is quite a big deal for us. While some people know bits and pieces and I am getting more and more comfortable sharing small pieces, I have kept a lot to myself and I think I am finally brave enough to just let it go while I continue trying to accept the things I can not change and do not have control over. 

    This is just another part of our story, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I might also want to add, at this time I am not writing about this particular topic to get your thoughts or opinions. There is nothing I want you to say, there is nothing I want you to do...other than listen. If you are one of those people that feel the need to say something, please respect me by doing it through private messages or a prayer. 

    I should warn you, there will probably be a short novel to follow and possibly several others on this subject in the near future since there is no simple answer. So here it goes...

    I know this may (or may not) surprise some of you but inquiring minds want to know if we will have a family of our own someday. It is a question that many have asked, sometimes without thinking and sometimes after pondering it until I figured out what they wanted to ask and saved them the trouble by blurting out the answer. I can't say I blame anyone, it was a question I also had after the accident. 

     While the baby question is the most common question I have been asked since Aaron's accident, it is also the question I have avoided answering truthfully. I can usually sense when this question is coming so I am usually prepared for it. I have become very good at putting on my game face and giving my generic answers, you may even recognize my two favorites. My favorite and most logic answer was the "goal" of moving Aaron back home. My second favorite and also somewhat logical answer was taking about the guidance position I wanted after all that hard work getting through graduate school. To me it sounded pretty good, although I am not sure how well I actually fooled people. 

     Now that I have accomplished both of those (which I am pretty stoked about by the way) and can not use those answers, I have decided that maybe I just need to be open and honest with myself and others. I can finally talk about it without ending up in tears. I am also ready to stop bottling it up and pretending like it's not something that is frequently on my mind and in my prayers. (And Aaron's too!) 

    If you haven't figured it out by now, we do still want a family of our own. We realize there are obstacles that we didn't plan on and we may need to tweak some of those original plans. To be honest, we are at the point that we are not even sure if it's possible. As I continue to get up close and personal, I can also share that we are learning that it is not something we can control and we are continuing to learn to have faith in a plan that is bigger and better than anything Aaron and I could have come up with when we dreamt of how our life together was going to be. 

pUsHiNg BaCk ThE dArK

     The first few years following Aaron's accident I was in the car so much, going back and fourth to the hospital several times a day and then to the rehab over an hour away sometimes 4-5 times a week. A dear friend made me a CD while Aaron was in the ICU, it's now saved to my iTunes but I believe it was titled "Renee's songs of hope". This was really my first exposure to Christian music, other than the songs at church we sang on Sundays. I was in love instantly and it eventually led me to a local Christian radio station. My station has pretty much been set there from that point on, it always seems that the perfect song is on at the very moment I need it. The words of the songs literally sang to my heart, so many songs gave me hope and uplifted me during some of my darkest moments. These songs also brought me to a better understanding and some peace that I couldn't find anywhere else. In the beginning (and even now sometimes) they help made my heart happy and not so heavy. 

     I have been having a tough few weeks, I will spare most of the details but it started with Aaron not feeling well for a longer than usual time period, him ending up in the hospital for a long weekend, and a string of follow up appointments afterwards that forced me to leave work early and spend lots of time waiting for doctors to see us. (Among other random things!)

    Here's some of the ugly that I don't always like to share...I was feeling pretty "done" in general about Tuesday afternoon. The time change thing definitely was not helping! When I feel this way, it's usually a build up of the feelings I have been holding in just a little longer than I know I should so it isn't always pretty. I usually know when it's one of those times and I know that I need to let it run it's course and pray that I have the strength to get through it and it passes quickly. 

   I don't remember where I was or where I was going but one afternoon, the moment I got in the car and started it, I hear Pushing Back the Dark by Josh Wilson on the radio. Here are just a few verses...


One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.


Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

     Those were that exact words I needed to hear, it was like they were meant just for me in that moment. The a-ha that makes my heart happy again and the relief that comes with knowing what I am feeling and the moments I am going through are a pretty normal thing. 

    As I continue pushing back the dark, I am reminded that there is a much bigger plan. I am thankful that the God I follow is so much bigger and has a purpose that I don't yet understand. 

Making the most of our time in the hospital a few weeks ago...Aaron looking up the football games on his iPad and me working on school stuff on the laptop! 

It'S lIkE rIdInG a BiKe...

   You know the old saying, once you learn to ride a bike you always know how. Well when it comes to a post traumatic brain injury that is not always the case, whether it's riding a bike or anything else you have known and have been able to do practically your entire life. 

    This July we were able to barrow an adult sized tricycle and a helmet thanks to some pretty awesome people. As usual, this was just another crazy idea I had that I thought we could try. With a little assistance, Aaron was able to get onto the bike. Within in minutes he was riding down the road all by himself and I was chasing after him! Steering and braking were a bit of a challenge but practice makes perfect right? We live in a small gated community with a long stretch of street that made this challenge a little easier. I even strapped Jasper in for a ride, against his will of course! 

     Aaron has definitely become an exception to many of the norms associated with what happens after a severe traumatic brain injury. So many things we were told he would never be able to do have been proved wrong time and time again. It has taken over seven years to ride a bike, among many other things, but I am delighted in every bit of progress big and small! There are so many things I never knew I could be excited about and thankful for. 

     A few weeks ago we went out to dinner, I turned around to see where he was as we walked into a restaurant. I thought he was right behind me but to my surprise he had stopped to hold the door for an elderly couple that was walking in behind us. You can imagine my surprise as Aaron always used to hold doors for people! Up until his accident he actually still opened the car door for me wherever we went! 

    "Have patience God isn't finished yet." Philippians 16

ThErE iS nO pLaCe LikE hOmE...

It's been a few months...and a few years in the making but we are excited to announce that we have reached another milestone. 

Aaron is MOVING home...effective immediately!

If you know me well or have asked me about this particular topic then you know this was always a part of MY plan! 

     I'm thrilled to share our BIG secret! I have been avoiding phone calls with Aaron's family for months in order to surprise them with this exciting news! We even visited with his brother and sister in law a few weeks ago and it was all I could do to keep it quiet! And even Aaron didn't know the news until this morning, I figured it would be better that way (if you are Facebook friends with him and have seen his posts then you know exactly what I am talking about)!

     Even though it has come up in conversations many times, in January I received THE call to make it official. I actually got a message first telling me not to worry but we needed to talk about Aaron! There had been a recent care plan meeting and there was good news and bad news. The good news was that he was doing well and he actually surpassed the level of care that the rehab offers! Them the bad news, which wasn't that bad, we needed to find a better fit for him.  So we started talking about all of our options. Without thought, I said no to a group home setting, assisted living was another idea (and still can be if we need it in the future), and last but definitely not least was the option of coming home with help. 

     It has taken a lot of coordination, I am so thankful and beyond blessed with an amazing team of people to help us throughout this process! Just for starters we needed to have a doctor and nurse available as needed, get prescriptions in order, find someone to stay with Aaron and help Aaron at home if I am not there, and find backups to stay with Aaron just in case! (There's actually more than that but I won't bore you with any more details, you get the idea!)


     One of the obstacles we still have is that Aaron still needs 24 hour supervision.  Part of this is due to safety and the rest is because he still needs help with a lot of things like showering and getting dressed. Our most important job was finding the right person to care for Aaron and help him when I am at work or when I am gone. (Cool job right?!) We will also need to have a few back up plans of course.

    We have decide to hire a home health care aide through a local agency. We hope to have one main person that will be with us full time and be with Aaron as much as possible when I can't.  One of our back up plans is an adult day care that the county we live in has. It sounds really funny but it's actually a pretty cool program that we tried out a few summers ago! 

     There will definitely be an adjustment process for everyone and we are all still figuring it out! We are hanging out with our new home health care aide for the new two days, she's great by the way. The dog loves her too which is a plus, our silly dog seems to like four legged friends much better! 

     We will spend the next few days working on the transition from the rehab to home. Aaron will need to do another trial at the daycare (it's their protocol) since it's the back up plan during the beginning of next week. Then we will go from there! 


     

    Thanks to all who have been and continue to be a part of this journey and have prayed and continue to pray for Aaron! Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. 1: Cor. 13-7


     I also couldn't forget to give a very special thanks to our amazing friend, Beth Carter, who I can always count on to help take pictures to celebrate these special memories! You can check her out at http://www.bethcarterphotography.com 

OuT wItH tHe Old...

        Now that I have a little free time, otherwise known as Spring Break, I planned to try to do some updating and possibly add some updates here! I am also working on my Spring Cleaning, which is how I got to this post! 

     Just another small blessing that reminds me of how far we have come and puts a smile on my face...

        When Aaron first started traveling after his accident he required a rather large reusable shopping bag filled with stuff. I imagine it is much like a diaper bag for a child except with adult sized items which requires a much larger (or more full) bag! This bag was one of about three that was stocked completely full of many things including a change of clothes, medical supplies, and even a few bottles of water! I carried it everywhere with us and when it wasn't with us, it stayed in the car in case we needed it! Just recently my bags wore out so I was in need of at least one replacement. 

Old...

      For Christmas, one of Aaron's aunts surprised us and got him a super cool new bag! It is much smaller and holds only the necessities that we absolutely need. As I emptied the old bag out, I realized most of the items were obsolete! I still carry a change of clothes...just in case but I can't tell you the last time we needed them. There are no medical supplies in this bag, did I mention there were no medical supplies in this bag?! It's looks pretty cool if Aaron wants to carry it around too, well if you are an OSU fan! 

New...

tHaNkFuL

      Each November I see the random posts of things to be thankful start on Facebook, except I usually see it too many days into it to remember to actually do it myself! This year I saw a friend's post the very first day of November so I decided to give it a try this year too. While most of the things I posted were silly little things, I happened to run across this quote and it seemed to go with the thankfulness theme and be a bit of inspiration for a new addition to my blog. 

"The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us." -James E. Faust

     Even thought Aaron is 100% a part of all this, I am writing strictly about how/what I feel and know. As he gets better and you have conversations with both of us you will see how our experiences, feelings, and memories are completely different throughout the past five and a half years. Just like he has, I have had my own battles. Even though Aaron was living and breathing and even listening he hasn't always had the capacity to help me deal with some of the tough stuff and there have been times he has I have opted to keep him out of it just for the sake of giving him a few less worries. Let me elaborate by saying that if you know Aaron well, sitting around worrying about others is something he does well and since he was doing a lot of sitting at one point I did not want to burden him with anything else with so much on his plate, leaving his main focus on getting better. 

    That last two years were a few of my toughest, I have tried to write about it many times but I just could never get it "right" so this is yet another attempt that I may end up deleting before I finish...

    One of the main struggles I have had is that I once felt the need to be "normal" (maybe "average" is a better word to use) as long as I can remember. It's not that I didn't appreciate what I had/have, because I did/do, I just wanted so much to be like everyone else…boring I know! As I get older and more experienced in life, that does seem pretty silly but that is how I felt for a long time. Just when I started feeling that I was accomplishing those "normal" things, which included; graduating from college, moving to Florida/entering into the teaching profession (that was a fiasco as well), getting engaged/married, and purchasing our first house…it all went from wonderfully normal to completely confusing and crazy within two to three days after Aaron's accident. Things haven't been the same since then but I finally starting to be able to accept how things are and the blessings that come with this "normal"! 

     Even though I know that good relationships take a lot of give and take, a lot of patience, a lot of forgiving, and a lot of accepting yet I have struggled with many relationships since the accident. I know that good, healthy relationships take work during normal circumstances but throw in a catastrophic accident and all hell seemed to break loose! I have continued to struggle with this and honestly still do.  I usually blame myself, maybe because it's easier. I have had struggles with both family and friends some known and some unsaid. I have purposefully shut people out to avoid hurt (sometimes on my end, sometimes on theirs), I have given up on some relationships because they were too hard or I felt they just weren't going to work no matter how hard I tried. I have also avoided relationships simply because I didn't know how to make them work. I used to dread meeting new people because they might not understand or might judge our situation or just feel sorry for us. I hated seeing old friends at times because things were not they way they used to be. I have been challenging myself to do better in both these areas. It's still a work in progress and I am not perfect and as you can see it's all just plain confusing.  

    No matter how I look at things or how I feel, I know we are continually surrounded by blessings big and small and my heart is thankful no matter how different things are than how I thought they were supposed to be. At the end of the yucky days and tough years…I  am ThAnKfUl because I know God's plan is better than any plan I had for myself and Aaron. 



   
   

tOuGh CoNvErSaTiOnS

       I have had to endure more than my fair share of tough conversations over the past five years...some good, some bad, and some just plain ugly. I am learning to let go of the ones that are over or at least look back and laugh at them. I am learning to to move forward with some, replacing my once rehearsed generic answers with something more heartfelt and honest. 

    Out of all the crazy and difficult conversations I had in regards to Aaron's condition, I  had never realized that my toughest ones would be the ones that I actually had with Aaron. These didn't come early and they surely didn't come all at once. It was probably the past year or two when he started getting better and started sorting things out and becoming himself again that he started asking more questions and was able to look at the big picture in front of him. 

    One of the reasons I am able to stick right by him "in sickness and for worse" is that he is appreciative of all I do. Honestly, I can't think of a time where he wasn't (even before the accident). He thanks me for "putting up with him", doing the laundry, taking him out, bring him chicken nuggets, calling him, helping him in the bathroom….this list could go on. 

      Through many conversations, he blames himself (another typical Aaron-ism even before the accident). We have been over and over the what's and the why's of what we know about the accident and I can't convince him otherwise. It's hard to see him blame himself for something that was an unfortunate accident beyond our realm of understanding. 

      I think the first time I heard him thank me for putting up with him my heart almost broke. As any other couple I know, we didn't  quite see eye to eye on this subject and it made me sad because I wanted him to see it my way this time. I didn't want him to feel that he was a burden, because that's the direction the conversation soon took but it was he who insisted he was. We have never really settled our disagreement and he still argues his side and I still defend mine. 

     Tough conversations are just another part of this crazy journey we are on. I must admit, if I have to have them with anyone, I couldn't think of anyone better to have them then with Aaron! I am also thankful to be done with the ones with the doctors! 

    

jUsT bEcAuSe

      A little over a month ago, I got a flood of texts from family members asking what they could get Aaron for his birthday. As usual I didn't have a good answer and he certainly hadn't asked for anything and surely didn't need anything that I could think of.

      While taking to his mom and racking my brain for just ONE idea, I finally suggested sending something fun to him on his special day that he could show off like balloons!

       If I have the story right the local florist delivered Aaron's birthday balloons as scheduled. I can only assume they actually took them to Aaron's room and met him as they finished their delivery because later that evening they called Aaron's mom in Indiana to ask a few questions. It turns out that they wanted permission to send Aaron a little something each month to "brighten his day".

     A month went by quickly, I actually had forgotten about their call after the last balloon had deflated and they were finally in the trash. Then one evening, when I arrived for a visit, the ladies at the front desk asked me about the flowers Aaron had received earlier that day. I was perplexed for a moment until I remembered my mother in law's recent conversation with the florist.

     I reached for the card as soon as I entered the room and sure enough the florist was sending something to "brighten" Aaron's day as promised! If anyone needs a good recommendation for a florist in Winter Haven boy do I have one for you!

SoMe Of ThE nOt FuN sTuFf

       After a few weeks in the ICU one of the nurses noticed this weird movement that would run down Aaron's shoulder, through his arm, and down to his hand. It was just on the one side. It wasn't long before they were able to give it the name of mycloclonic seizures. One of Aaron's neurologists worked hard to finally find two therapeutic doses of medication that would control the seizures, which we also found out were common with brain injuries.
   
      Once we moved out of the ICU to Wauchula…somehow, somewhere one of Aaron's doctors felt we should be able to take Aaron off one of the two medications to control seizures. (This was a good thing as the one medicine they discontinued wasn't supposed to be used for long term.) Aaron had no problems after going to one medication and every time they examined him and did any testing there seemed to be no more signs of the seizures we had seen in the ICU. We were elated! 


       Fast forward to the facility in Winter Haven almost two years later…what do you know I go out of town for one of the first times since the accident for fun and Aaron has a full blown seizure. This was something we had not ever experienced and truthfully, I thought we were way beyond this point in his recovery so it was pretty stressful. (Especially since seizures can cause falls and with a brain injury, another fall could be devastating for Aaron.) I had left about 10 hours earlier when I got the call. There was a lot of drama surrounding the first seizure and trip to the hospital but thankfully my school secretary was available to go and sit with Aaron at the emergency room to all hours of the night. Did I mentioned that the hospital wouldn't tell me anything because of HIPPA and Aaron was not good on the phone at that point?! 

       From that day on, Aaron has continued to have what our current neurologist has diagnosed as "breakthrough" seizures. I had some of my own theories but since I haven't been able to prove them 100% I will keep quiet, anyone who has ever been a caretaker or parent can probably relate! It seems as if when Aaron gets a mild infection it can easily cause full blown seizures, the infections that would leave those of us who are healthy miserable and might cause us to miss a day of work. Again, it is something that comes along with a brain injury and is unfortunately unpredictable.

      Aaron has had several seizures over the past three years and they never get easier. After each one I go back to worrying and as time goes on, I almost forget to worry about them just in time for another one to sneak up on us. He doesn't seem to remember them, which I guess is a good thing. He has fallen during one. I have witnessed one myself. He has also been sent to the hospital on more than one occasion due to a seizure. 

       Last fall, we were having way more "stay-cations" at the local hospital than either of us would prefer.Throughout this past few years we have learned that due to strong infections, the quick fix for Aaron is to have a strong dose of IV antibiotics which are usually started in the hospital. When they feel Aaron is improving then they are able to send him back to the rehab where they have the ability to monitor the infections closely and continue the antibiotics. Aaron was in the emergency room and then admitted twice in two month time period. There were other complications that made it a little more stressful and anyone who has sat in an emergency room knows how much fun that is. 

     Aaron's neurologist was able to recommend a newer medicine shortly after the last trip to the hospital to go along with what he was already taking. Fortunately it was the perfect match because as of 11/16/13, we have been seizure free for an entire year!!!!!!!!! This also means we don't have to go to the neurologist as often, we have been upgraded to every six months and the last check up we literally spent five minutes with our doctor (who is awesome by the way)! While I hope we stay seizure free, there is always the possibility that Aaron could have another but I will take ONE YEAR without a seizure as a HUGE accomplishment! 

    Here are a few pictures documenting our first hospital 
stay-cation last fall. He was much sicker during the second trip so there were no pictures from then. 

Aaron kept asking for shorts,  I'll be the first to tell you that he is NOT a good patient to have lol! 

Sweet friends from small group brought milk shakes and french fries to Aaron to make him feel better!