mAnS bEsT fRiEnD

I probably should have added this entry just a little sooner but my hands were a bit tied up with our new little four legged best friend! I had a chance to post some pictures and comments onto Facebook but here is a little more of the story about our newest addition!

Meet our adorable little 4 month (almost 5 months now) Schnoodle (Schnauzer/Poodle mix)...

I have talked to Aaron's therapists in depth and they all had agreed that a dog would be great for Aaron! I thought and thought for about aaaaaaaaa......yEaR! After looking at many different dogs and narrowing down my must have list...no shedding, small, etc. I was able to find the perfect one for us finally! Plus it helped that I emailed the woman on Friday night and she said I could see him Saturday morning, so no time for me to really debate! 

First thing was first, he NEEDED a bath! My poor dirty little dog, being white didn't help him! He didn't actually did not get a bath in the garden tub but I put him in here to contain him long enough for me to go get some doggie supplies!

Meeting Aaron...Aaron knew I was looking but he didn't know I actually had gone to get a dog! I didn't take him with me since I had to go to someones house and I didn't know what kind of situation I would be walking into. (I did take a friend however who was a huge help!) After eliminating a bunch of names and having Casper somewhere on our list (because he is white) we noticed Jasper on the list of dog names. It seemed cute, no one we know had a dog or kid named that so that's what we stuck with!

The family we got him from had been crate training him, another of my musts! Thankfully a friend was able to loan their crate to us (I have great friends if you haven't figured that out by now!) He wasn't too crazy about it at first but he's definitely settled in and we have gotten all the cozy accessories to make it "home"! He stays in the crate while I am at work and at night. He started in the kitchen but has been moved to the bedroom since he doesn't cry all night long!

He LOVES toys! Here is a picture of his first shopping trip to PetSmart! He wasn't very good at helping me decide but he sure did look cute in the shopping cart! Actually, I found out that a good old clean water bottle is more entertainment for him than any of the toys we have bought! 

He is getting better at staying in our yard but we are working on getting a fence put up so he can run free without me worrying about him or having to run after him! We tried to tie a line outside so he could stay a little longer unsupervised but all he does is bark...of course unless one of us is out there! 

Aaron LOVES him,  and that makes Jasper worth the trouble! I often catch Aaron whispering or muttering something I can't understand. When I tell him that I can hear him he glares at me and let's me know "I am talking to the dog!". He helps me feed him and take him out when he's home. He also plays with him!

I find myself laughing at a lot of the silly things Jasper does, I try to capture the ones Aaron misses when he is not at home in pictures! Although, Jasper and Aaron now FaceTime lol!

Having a dog definitely adds a best friend in the family and we are full of puppy love! I am not sure that I would willing agree to do this job again...it's a lot of work! He is good company when I am home and he is even allowed to visit Aaron with me! Jasper has been ours for almost two months already and we are finally getting this potty thing down, I thought I was gonna lose my mind if I had to clean up one more mess. We are also working on a few "tricks" including come, down, sit, speak, and the newest one is lay! 

cOuNtInG mY bLeSsInGs

So many times, I start a blog entry, only to save it and come back to it when it's no longer relevant or simply put it off until I forgot what I had wanted to write. Sometimes I simply chicken out! Since I have been sick this weekend and have been forcing myself to stay in bed most of the weekend, the computer has been my only entertainment!

I have been sitting in bed off and on since Friday, on a long weekend, since I haven't been feeling too well. My my mile long to-do was no match for my fever, I only could manage stopping at Walgreens on my way home from work Friday afternoon to get something to make me feel better!

After about a 24 hour nap and some over the counter medicine, I attempted to go to a event for school Saturday. I wanted to be responsible and show up for my scheduled shift and even though I was told to not come and then told to go home when I got there...I was certain that I was feeling better...besides, it was nice to be out of bed and out of the house for a bit too.

Since I felt so good and was enjoying a little bit of freedom, I thought that I could manage a quick trip up to Best Buy to drop Aaron's phone off to be fixed. It had been broken since Thursday and it's literally his lifeline to the outside world, I felt bad having waited this long to even get it checked out.

Little did I know, a quick trip would soon turn into almost two hours. I could feel my fever coming back and my body was aching but at that point, I had pretty much accomplished my mission so I waited patiently those last few minutes. I made a quick stop through the drive-thru for some pineapple ice cream and headed for home. I had barely left the parking lot when I felt the tears start to pour.

I wasn't upset because I was sick but was upset that I couldn't do all the things that needed to be done, even though they ALL could wait until later. I have to admit that I also was a little sad because one of the last times I had remembered being this sick, Aaron took good care of me and he couldn't do that this time around.

I found myself having a pity party, which is never pretty!

Somewhere between then and now (fever free I might add) I ran across a slide show of some pictures of Aaron's progress that I had started about a year ago. Of course I took those pictures and I have looked at them many times but it was like I was looking at them for the first time! I remembered all the smiles that were in them, all the good memories, all of the great people who are part or have been part of our lives these past few years.

It was that moment that no matter how crappy I was feeling, I remembered that I have many blessings to be counting today and everyday. Sometimes a little sick time in bed is just what the doctor ordered to get your happy feeling a little better!

And on another note, a friend sent me this picture on Saturday. Even though I was feeling like I was getting nothing done being sick in bed, I actually did accomplish two things from this to-do list while feeling under the weather...

1. eat ice cream
2. count my blessings

I started feeling better Sunday afternoon FINALLY and slowly started doing the real to-do list!

ChRiStMaS tRaDiTiOnS...

It's hard being so far from family, especially during the holidays, I can not tell you how much I hate missing out on what is going on back at home! I know that there are many days that too easily forget but today I was reminded how blessed we are to be able to spend Christmas together and how even more blessed we are to have a Florida "family" to spend the next two days with!

I guess you should expect to start new traditions when you get married but even after our first year of being married in 2007 Aaron and I had family traditions that we held near and dear, including Christmas Eve with our grandma's. We somehow managed to be with both grandma's even thought they were 300 miles apart that year but it was well worth it!

Our first Christmas 2007, playing around at Grandma Royer's!

After Aaron had his accident in 2008, I knew I couldn't leave him alone in Florida while I went home to celebrate Christmas with family. I really struggled to make this decision knowing my grandmother's health was declining and it could be my last Christmas with her. Aaron was also not able to travel at this time so it meant our Christmas would be spent IN the rehab facility. I remember being pretty miserable, Aaron doesn't remember it at all. It had to be the worst Christmas I can remember...ever! This was the first year I went shopping on Christmas Eve! In between visits both Christmas Eve and Christmas day I joined friends for dinner.

Christmas 2008, looking on the bright side, we were wearing flip flops and shorts on Christmas day!

Things were looking up in 2009...Aaron got to come home OVERNIGHT for the very first time! I was nervous but excited at the same time! We had to have therapy do a home visit and needed some minor things done around the house before he could officially come home for the night. Christmas was kinda quiet and we were just getting used to the idea of being home together overnight! This year we decided to go to a movie, adding another tradition to our Florida Christmas! 

2009 at home for Christmas! Our nephew visited Santa's Secret Workshop and had sent us these aunt and uncle pens!

By 2010, Aaron was coming home for the night on a regular basis. I continued my Christmas Eve morning shopping tradition and we went to a movie Christmas day again. This was the first year Aaron could eat some soft foods, even though it consisted of oatmeal, scrambled eggs, and some pie filling...it was improvement! We spent time with friends for dinner both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Our good friends even blended up ravioli so that Aaron could enjoy it with us! 

2010 Christmas at home for the 2nd year!

2011 kept improving...we were home again of course! Our shopping and movie traditions continued, however, we went to the movie just a bit too early and missed out on dinner (everything was closed by the time we finished) so we had an oven pizza for Christmas Eve dinner! Of course we also spent more time with some Florida "family"!

2010 Christmas at home again!

This year we continue our Florida traditions...I have already shopped on Christmas Eve (I may or may not have filled my own stocking), we have already been to friends for dinner, and now we plan to hang out at home. Our night wouldn't be complete without at least one Christmas movie, Home Alone (my favorite)! Tomorrow we are off to more friends for dinner and most likely we will go to a movie! 

Even thought these aren't the traditions we grew up with and they don't include our family in Michigan and Ohio, I am thankful for all of the new traditions we have started and the "family" that we get to spend the holidays with! If you are reading this then there is a pretty good chance that that in some way, big or small,  you are a part of our old or new traditions and we are thankful to have you sharing not only the holidays but your lives with us! 

sHoP uNtIL wE dRoP

     Until the accident, we have always done everything together, even shop.  Anyone who knows me, even my first graders, know that I love to shop even if it's just looking. It is nice to drag Aaron along again, even though he has almost always gone willingly! 

    I am glad to be rid of the wheelchair (we do still use it for BIG trips), that proved to be a challenge in itself. His extra big wheelchair could usually fit through the main isle but between the clothing racks were a bit of a challenge. The crowds can be tricky, Aaron refuses to let me run into or over anyone! And the displays in the middle of the aisles, we still run into those no matter how we travel around the store. We trade the walker for a shopping cart at some stores unless I know we will be there for a long period of time where Aaron will need to sit and rest. We also test out Aaron's driving skills from time to time using the battery powered carts...remember those displays, we get one every time or at least a corner of a shelf!

Aaron "driving" for the first time 8/09!

    The dressing room always proves to be interesting and/or entertaining since I can't leave Aaron unsupervised (for his safety). I can either take him in with me or find a seat right outside the dressing room where I can talk through the door so that I can hear him the entire time! The picture below was taken in a dressing room where there was not seat for him to sit outside and wait, needless to say he had to go in the dressing room with me. I told him to close his eyes and this is what I turned around to...need I say more?!

Peek a boo!

   Now that I know the specifics about all of the public restrooms at most of my favorite stores that part is not so bad. In the beginning I used to only take Aaron to places where I knew there was either a single restroom or a special "family" restroom because the thought that Aaron might need to use the bathroom just stressed me out. I am not ashamed to take him in the women's but we do try to respect that other women may want their privacy so we do avoid that if at all possible! We did the men's once, that was enough. Oh yeah and I forgot to add that if I have to go, he has to go with me...now if that is not "for better or worse" then I don't know what is!

   

    

gOoD gRiEf

     There are seven stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and hope. I didn't even think of myself as grieving until about eight months after Aaron's accident when I was talking to an old friend and he connected my feelings and thoughts due to our unique circumstances to these stages. 

    I have had a tendency to make what Aaron and I have gone through look easy, or I try to fool everyone anyways. It's always been easy for me to share the exciting steps, the happy moments, and the good pictures. Until recently, I have only shared bits and pieces with different people. I have strategically tried to spread those pieces out just enough so that no one has enough information to truly judge my feelings or choices. I haven't completely been able to admit how hard this journey has been for me personally and that's just part of the reason I decided to write about it through this blog. 

    I lived through the first four stages while Aaron was in the ICU after his accident had just happened. I remember thinking this isn't happening to us. Aaron will be ok by the end of the summer. Please just let him be ok. Why did I let him get that stupid motorcycle in the first place? Looking back, those were probably the easiest stages to go through, everything happened so fast that there wasn't time to think...I was just doing whatever it was that needed to be done. 

   The first feeling of "normal" came when I started back to work at the end of the summer of '08. I had the opportunity to change grade levels to make it easier on myself but I knew I needed something to be the same, even if it was just going back to the same grade level as the year before. As much as I looked forward to being at work and going back to my old routine, I hadn't thought about how it would be different without Aaron not being there. I wasn't prepared for the next stages of grief that were to come and are still coming after all Aaron didn't die, he lived through the worse scenario imaginable. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that this grieving thing would just magically disappear once he started getting better. 

   The stages of anger, depression, and hope have definitely continued to come and go and come back again when I least expect them. Every once in awhile the bargaining and guilt stages get thrown in for a short time along the way. 

    Another friend told me that she read that grief lasts for seven years, which would mean that I have three more to go. In all honesty, I think grieving is different for everyone, I don't think there is a defined time line. I also think we all grieve in our own ways, some of which I am not too proud to admit yet and that would have to be a whole other blog post! I used to struggle with the feelings I was having that went with each stage of grieving but as time goes on it the feelings are getting better, the stages are getting easier. I am feeling more and more like my old self and grieving has actually turned into a good healthy thing. 

    At the end of (almost) everyday, I can look back and know what I feel is normal. There is nothing that says it better than Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord...plans to give you a HOPE and a future." 

Our most recent picture...Saturday night date at Red Lobster!

    

pErSoNaLiTy

    It's probably no surprise that those who knew Aaron before his accident, one of the things I fell in love with when I met Aaron was his sweet personality! He was so easy going, helpful, and caring...he did whatever it took to make everyone else around him happy (including ME)!

   I remember the first week in the ICU when I started learning about what a traumatic brain injury was. The unit manager did a good job explaining everything to me. I can remember to exact moment when she started telling about how a person with a TBI's personality can be changed significantly. She went on to tell me that especially in young men that you could see a lot of aggression, among other horrible things.  She said that often people were very different from the person they were before the accident. My heart was crushed and whatever she continued to say I didn't hear. It was an awful feeling to know that I could have him but not have him if that makes sense. I stood there thinking about how much I loved Aaron's personality the most and how it would be sad to never have that part of him again in my life. 

    Fortunately for Aaron this was not the case at all, another one of our many blessings. Slowly but surely, to this day, his brain continues to heal. As each month, week, day, and minute passes I see more and more of that sweet personality that I love so much! 

    I'll be honest, things are not exactly the same. There are what I often refer to as "short circuits" from time to time. Most often it's just me who notices or people who really knew him well before the accident. Aaron sometime says something random or does something completely off. He sometimes doesn't have as good of a "filter" as he used to and will say those things you think but aren't supposed to say out loud! He also tends to have a little bit of a potty mouth now and then, especially when he is frustrated! And there are the times he wants to be heard (literally) and it comes out as yelling....I have had to really work on not worrying about these things, especially the part about what other people think. We get most of the old him, that is enough and I am learning to thankful for that! 

    He was also said to have short term memory loss. I don't have an recent evaluation that tells me how his short term memory is but from my own unofficial observations, it seems to keep getting better and better. People used to always ask me if his memory was like the movie character that Drew Barrymore played in 50 First Dates. I can't hold it against them, they don't know but I can tell you that I will NEVER watch that movie again and for the record Aaron's memory is not even close to the character in the movie :) 

    His long term memory has been evident since early on. Little things gave me hope that he was him the first few months...like him giving thumbs up, the ways we told each other we loved each other, and a favorite nickname Aaron had for me! He has recognized family member and friends the entire time. He also was able to start recalling personal information early on. 

    He completely surprised me recently, we were in the grocery store and ran into someone we used to go to church with (I am talking back in 2006). Aaron was polite, said hello and as we chatted for a minute. As we walked away and I asked if he knew who that was he instantly told me the man's name. When I proceeded to ask how we knew him, Aaron not only replied from church but was more specific and reminded me that we had been in a small group with him.