oUr PaTh

I have seen this image on a few different Facebook pages recently and this topic has been on my heart for some time. 

I can not write this without admitting that I am 100% guilty of thinking I have understood someone else's journey at one time or another.

It's much easier to look at someone else's journey and think...I wouldn't do it "that" way. It's also easy to have those feelings..."if it were me then I'd...". But the truth is that if it's not you then you don't know and you really don't need to offer your thoughts and opinions unless solicited. (And even then, don't expect to like everything you will hear!) 

There are so many chapters to this journey that I often forget what I have shared, there are many more to write, and there are many being added. 

I referred to the tough stuff early on and it seems like each time I start to write about it, I chicken out. I do not want to incriminate anyone in particular and I try to beat around the bush at times.  Each part of our journey is important because there are the parts that have made us stronger, there are parts that have changed our path in big and small ways, there are the parts that have changed who we are, and there are the parts that have taught us things we will never forget. 

I have always worried what others thought, let's be honest. 

In the beginning of this journey I didn't have the capacity to care what anyone thought, I was pretty much in survival mode. It was kind of nice for once. Unfortunately this only lasted about 2-3 months, then we started to settle in to our new reality and began to understand what a brain injury was and some of the things that would become a part of our journey.

This all started with the questions regarding my marriage. Would I stay married to Aaron? Many people told me that they would understood if I walked away. Many people told me that Aaron would understand too, he wouldn't want me to live this life. I know the people closest to me said it out of love and concern and they were allowed a pass this time, I could hear it from them. It was the people who didn't really know me or Aaron who were speaking up on this topic that really upset me. These were people who did not know us or our relationship that were asking these questions during such a difficult time. It still happens, unfortunately, even as recent as last summer I still had a person who realized who I was ask if I was still married to Aaron.

It has also been a long and drawn out journey figuring out how to bring Aaron home for good. It's been on my to-do list for oh about five years now and it's still not obviously been crossed off. I remember talking about it in the ICU that first summer, I remember talking about it early in rehab. I remember people who knew a lot more than me about brain injuries looking at me with such doubt. We have come such a long way and I am still working on it. I am still determined to make it happen someday, somehow. We have come leaps and bounds! We started about three and a half years ago with day trips, soon after adding overnight trips. We tried two weeks home last summer with success. As of last month, we have been able to fly twice out of state to see family. We are headed in that direction but we are just not there...yet. I am still as determined as I started out to be to make it happen, it is still a work in progress but there are too many "what ifs" at the moment and some logistics to figure out. 

Here comes the next part...me and my journey as the wife and caregiver. I assure you that I am doing the best I can with what we have been given. It took me a long time and a lot of convincing from others that it's okay for me to have my time and do things for myself. (And Aaron tells me he is okay with this too now which makes me feel a million times better!) Early on I spent so much time taking care of Aaron, I was constantly reminded that I need to take care of me too! Someone we met at the very beginning of this journey and has become an important part of Aaron's and my life told me that any normal husband and wife need their time apart, it's healthy! The first big thing I did was to go on a short spring break trip to Vegas with a friend about two years after Aaron's accident. I can not begin to tell you how guilty I felt. I still feel guilty if I take a night (or two) off and do not go see Aaron. I feel guilty when I sit at home by myself on a Saturday morning just because I can be lazy for a few hours. I feel guilty if I visit Aaron for only 30 minutes because I had a long day at work and I haven't even been home yet. 

At the end of the day, Aaron and I have this crazy little journey of ours figured out for this moment. Although it may appear a certain way to you, it definitely looks a whole lot different from our perspective!  

Not everyone can understand your journey but hopefully the people most important to you will be there just willing to walk beside you! 

mY aMeRiCaN iDoL

Before Aaron's accident, I wouldn't say we were big TV watchers. We were too busy living life (and both going to grad school) to actually sit down on the couch and watch TV. On occasion I would sneak in an episode of the Bachelor when he had something else to do, I would catch him watching Big Bang Theory or How I Met Your Mother when I walked in from class. Of course ESPN was on first thing each morning and the TV was on for any major sporting event, especially if it involved Ohio State! 

There was a time where I 'd leave work by 4, drive an hour to see Aaron in Wauchula...somewhere between there I'd get take out for dinner and eat it in the car. I would get there by 6 and to make it worth the long trip I'd stay for at least a couple of hours. Most nights I would just crawl into bed with him when I got there. 

If you have ever been to Wauchula you know that the TV is the only thing we had to entertain ourselves at night. Aaron wasn't a fan of all of the crime shows and that was pretty much all that seemed to be on around 8-10pm in the evenings so we had to find something else to watch! 

This was the time when he was starting to whisper FINALLY, I was desperately trying to get him to talk and encouraging everyone who was visiting to do the same. I had become irritated trying to spell things from a print out of a computer keyboard, although Aaron was getting good at it! 

The therapists also told me to do things with him that he enjoyed before the accident. It would probably have been easier to stick with watching ESPN but I soon found out that American Idol was much more entertaining! 

We spent the rest of that season singing our hearts out, well I tried to sing and encouraged Aaron to join me! It became even more fun when the contestants performed "old" songs that Aaron began to mouth (and eventually sing) the words to. At this point we were still dealing with some major memory glitches as well so I was amazed at how much he remembered!

It wasn't long before we took American Idol on the road with us when we started being able to travel outside of the facility, I'd turn on some of our old favorites as loud as I could and sing along with Aaron! 

It's been almost five years of singing to the radio or American Idol together and it is still one of my favorite things to do with Aaron!

I couldn't think of a better ending to this blog than to share some of my personal favorite songs to hear Aaron sing: "Whoomp There is Is", "Fresh Prince of Belair" (theme song), "Baby Got Back", and my newest favorite..."Thrift Shop" lol! 

It'S tHe LiTtLe ThInGs

There are many times that I should be writing all of this down and I did in the beginning of this mess, as life goes more and more back to "normal" I just have THAT moment, I enjoy it, and then think that I will actually remember tell it to everyone later. 

Do you think that actually happens, NO! I am actually lucky if I can get it out to a few family members or a close friend or two! 

Well tonight I enjoyed a moment....

Let me warn you that everyone else (except me and also Jeremy Jones who may remember some of the conversations he shared with Aaron) may think this little thing may sound really silly. It may not mean much. To me it is a small reminder that even though our lives have been changed, Aaron hasn't. 

I will start by telling you about how Aaron's rehab is remodeling, in fact they have been remodeling for months. I can not wait until they finally finish! Aaron's room has moved more times than I want to count, the dining room is squeezed into the middle of the day room, and we are currently locked out of the outdoor area. However, one nice change is that they have added a nice little library (or bookstore as Aaron called it tonight). It is down the hall from Aaron's room, near the newest wing. It's an area not traveled too much by either Aaron or myself. I have passed it and it's a nice area, full of many different books, a fireplace, and a computer station. I have mentioned it to Aaron thinking he may take advantage of it but to my knowledge he hasn't shown much interest. 

Tonight I walk into Aaron's room and find this on his night stand...

Aaron's reading glasses (that he rarely wears but has had since before his accident happened) AND a book by one of Aaron's favorite authors. 

Talk about making your heart smile! Just a little thing to remind me that some things haven't changed. 

And while we are on the subject, here are a few other little things that I have to look forward to everyday:

1. 16 + phone calls from a certain someone just because he wants to talk to ME!

2. A request for a Diet Coke on my way over! 

3. A huge smile and "thank you" when I bring the laundry basket full of clean clothes with me! (And yes this could happen everyday!) 

4. One last call or text before bed to say "goodnight"!  

mAnS bEsT fRiEnD

I probably should have added this entry just a little sooner but my hands were a bit tied up with our new little four legged best friend! I had a chance to post some pictures and comments onto Facebook but here is a little more of the story about our newest addition!

Meet our adorable little 4 month (almost 5 months now) Schnoodle (Schnauzer/Poodle mix)...

I have talked to Aaron's therapists in depth and they all had agreed that a dog would be great for Aaron! I thought and thought for about aaaaaaaaa......yEaR! After looking at many different dogs and narrowing down my must have list...no shedding, small, etc. I was able to find the perfect one for us finally! Plus it helped that I emailed the woman on Friday night and she said I could see him Saturday morning, so no time for me to really debate! 

First thing was first, he NEEDED a bath! My poor dirty little dog, being white didn't help him! He didn't actually did not get a bath in the garden tub but I put him in here to contain him long enough for me to go get some doggie supplies!

Meeting Aaron...Aaron knew I was looking but he didn't know I actually had gone to get a dog! I didn't take him with me since I had to go to someones house and I didn't know what kind of situation I would be walking into. (I did take a friend however who was a huge help!) After eliminating a bunch of names and having Casper somewhere on our list (because he is white) we noticed Jasper on the list of dog names. It seemed cute, no one we know had a dog or kid named that so that's what we stuck with!

The family we got him from had been crate training him, another of my musts! Thankfully a friend was able to loan their crate to us (I have great friends if you haven't figured that out by now!) He wasn't too crazy about it at first but he's definitely settled in and we have gotten all the cozy accessories to make it "home"! He stays in the crate while I am at work and at night. He started in the kitchen but has been moved to the bedroom since he doesn't cry all night long!

He LOVES toys! Here is a picture of his first shopping trip to PetSmart! He wasn't very good at helping me decide but he sure did look cute in the shopping cart! Actually, I found out that a good old clean water bottle is more entertainment for him than any of the toys we have bought! 

He is getting better at staying in our yard but we are working on getting a fence put up so he can run free without me worrying about him or having to run after him! We tried to tie a line outside so he could stay a little longer unsupervised but all he does is bark...of course unless one of us is out there! 

Aaron LOVES him,  and that makes Jasper worth the trouble! I often catch Aaron whispering or muttering something I can't understand. When I tell him that I can hear him he glares at me and let's me know "I am talking to the dog!". He helps me feed him and take him out when he's home. He also plays with him!

I find myself laughing at a lot of the silly things Jasper does, I try to capture the ones Aaron misses when he is not at home in pictures! Although, Jasper and Aaron now FaceTime lol!

Having a dog definitely adds a best friend in the family and we are full of puppy love! I am not sure that I would willing agree to do this job again...it's a lot of work! He is good company when I am home and he is even allowed to visit Aaron with me! Jasper has been ours for almost two months already and we are finally getting this potty thing down, I thought I was gonna lose my mind if I had to clean up one more mess. We are also working on a few "tricks" including come, down, sit, speak, and the newest one is lay! 

cOuNtInG mY bLeSsInGs

So many times, I start a blog entry, only to save it and come back to it when it's no longer relevant or simply put it off until I forgot what I had wanted to write. Sometimes I simply chicken out! Since I have been sick this weekend and have been forcing myself to stay in bed most of the weekend, the computer has been my only entertainment!

I have been sitting in bed off and on since Friday, on a long weekend, since I haven't been feeling too well. My my mile long to-do was no match for my fever, I only could manage stopping at Walgreens on my way home from work Friday afternoon to get something to make me feel better!

After about a 24 hour nap and some over the counter medicine, I attempted to go to a event for school Saturday. I wanted to be responsible and show up for my scheduled shift and even though I was told to not come and then told to go home when I got there...I was certain that I was feeling better...besides, it was nice to be out of bed and out of the house for a bit too.

Since I felt so good and was enjoying a little bit of freedom, I thought that I could manage a quick trip up to Best Buy to drop Aaron's phone off to be fixed. It had been broken since Thursday and it's literally his lifeline to the outside world, I felt bad having waited this long to even get it checked out.

Little did I know, a quick trip would soon turn into almost two hours. I could feel my fever coming back and my body was aching but at that point, I had pretty much accomplished my mission so I waited patiently those last few minutes. I made a quick stop through the drive-thru for some pineapple ice cream and headed for home. I had barely left the parking lot when I felt the tears start to pour.

I wasn't upset because I was sick but was upset that I couldn't do all the things that needed to be done, even though they ALL could wait until later. I have to admit that I also was a little sad because one of the last times I had remembered being this sick, Aaron took good care of me and he couldn't do that this time around.

I found myself having a pity party, which is never pretty!

Somewhere between then and now (fever free I might add) I ran across a slide show of some pictures of Aaron's progress that I had started about a year ago. Of course I took those pictures and I have looked at them many times but it was like I was looking at them for the first time! I remembered all the smiles that were in them, all the good memories, all of the great people who are part or have been part of our lives these past few years.

It was that moment that no matter how crappy I was feeling, I remembered that I have many blessings to be counting today and everyday. Sometimes a little sick time in bed is just what the doctor ordered to get your happy feeling a little better!

And on another note, a friend sent me this picture on Saturday. Even though I was feeling like I was getting nothing done being sick in bed, I actually did accomplish two things from this to-do list while feeling under the weather...

1. eat ice cream
2. count my blessings

I started feeling better Sunday afternoon FINALLY and slowly started doing the real to-do list!

ChRiStMaS tRaDiTiOnS...

It's hard being so far from family, especially during the holidays, I can not tell you how much I hate missing out on what is going on back at home! I know that there are many days that too easily forget but today I was reminded how blessed we are to be able to spend Christmas together and how even more blessed we are to have a Florida "family" to spend the next two days with!

I guess you should expect to start new traditions when you get married but even after our first year of being married in 2007 Aaron and I had family traditions that we held near and dear, including Christmas Eve with our grandma's. We somehow managed to be with both grandma's even thought they were 300 miles apart that year but it was well worth it!

Our first Christmas 2007, playing around at Grandma Royer's!

After Aaron had his accident in 2008, I knew I couldn't leave him alone in Florida while I went home to celebrate Christmas with family. I really struggled to make this decision knowing my grandmother's health was declining and it could be my last Christmas with her. Aaron was also not able to travel at this time so it meant our Christmas would be spent IN the rehab facility. I remember being pretty miserable, Aaron doesn't remember it at all. It had to be the worst Christmas I can remember...ever! This was the first year I went shopping on Christmas Eve! In between visits both Christmas Eve and Christmas day I joined friends for dinner.

Christmas 2008, looking on the bright side, we were wearing flip flops and shorts on Christmas day!

Things were looking up in 2009...Aaron got to come home OVERNIGHT for the very first time! I was nervous but excited at the same time! We had to have therapy do a home visit and needed some minor things done around the house before he could officially come home for the night. Christmas was kinda quiet and we were just getting used to the idea of being home together overnight! This year we decided to go to a movie, adding another tradition to our Florida Christmas! 

2009 at home for Christmas! Our nephew visited Santa's Secret Workshop and had sent us these aunt and uncle pens!

By 2010, Aaron was coming home for the night on a regular basis. I continued my Christmas Eve morning shopping tradition and we went to a movie Christmas day again. This was the first year Aaron could eat some soft foods, even though it consisted of oatmeal, scrambled eggs, and some pie filling...it was improvement! We spent time with friends for dinner both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Our good friends even blended up ravioli so that Aaron could enjoy it with us! 

2010 Christmas at home for the 2nd year!

2011 kept improving...we were home again of course! Our shopping and movie traditions continued, however, we went to the movie just a bit too early and missed out on dinner (everything was closed by the time we finished) so we had an oven pizza for Christmas Eve dinner! Of course we also spent more time with some Florida "family"!

2010 Christmas at home again!

This year we continue our Florida traditions...I have already shopped on Christmas Eve (I may or may not have filled my own stocking), we have already been to friends for dinner, and now we plan to hang out at home. Our night wouldn't be complete without at least one Christmas movie, Home Alone (my favorite)! Tomorrow we are off to more friends for dinner and most likely we will go to a movie! 

Even thought these aren't the traditions we grew up with and they don't include our family in Michigan and Ohio, I am thankful for all of the new traditions we have started and the "family" that we get to spend the holidays with! If you are reading this then there is a pretty good chance that that in some way, big or small,  you are a part of our old or new traditions and we are thankful to have you sharing not only the holidays but your lives with us!