The conversations about the possibilities of Aaron and I one day having a family of our own started out of my own curiosity after Aaron was at FINR in 2009. Aaron wasn't involved in these conversation at this time, it just became something I had started thinking about. At one point, I ran some thoughts by someone who has become near and dear to the both of us over the past six years with that simple...do you think it is still a possibility? My question was well received and surprisingly I didn't feel that silly for asking...and hoping.
Soon after that conversation, that same person was by my side as we took the same thoughts and questions to Aaron's urologist. In case you didn't know, it's not something that we always broadcast, Aaron has a lot of bladder issues dating back to his days in the ICU. We can speculate several of the causes but the truth is we can't change anything. The doctors did what had to be done to keep Aaron alive at that point and due to some factors out of any ones control, Aaron had to get what is called a supra pubic catheter soon after he started his rehabilitation a few months after the accident. It was meant to be temporary at the time but he still has that tube through his belly. It goes directly into his bladder, leading to a leg bag where urine drains. At first I thought it was kind of gross, okay I thought it was really gross and I tried to hide it from everyone. We have had several years to get used to it and it's not so bad anymore. It's something that is most likely permanent even though we have looked alternative options, talked to several doctors, and have been given several opinions. In the big picture it really is a little thing and we just have learned to deal with it...have I lost you yet?
So this short version of that, summing up what I just explained, Aaron and I would need to use a fertility specialist if we were to ever consider having a baby of our own. At this time, Aaron wasn't well enough to where I felt we could come to a mutual agreement to what we wanted as far as a family or what measures we were willing to take. We weren't ready for this yet and I knew that in my heart so I set my thoughts and questions aside for about the next year and and a half.
Sometime in 2011 we started talking it over a little at a time and were able to come to the conclusion that we did want to still have a family of our own...someday. We didn't know when or how but after some research, talking with friends had gone through fertility treatments, and many phone calls we were put in touch with a urologist that did this kind of stuff every day. We had also had a consultation with a fertility doctor who was more than willing to help us and even excited to be a part of our mess. Both came highly recommended and were very encouraging and got us excited about the possibilities.
By 2012 Aaron went through two procedures along with medication to "help" on his end. We kept it pretty discrete and only a few people even knew what we were up to. The facility that Aaron was at during that time didn't even know, I used to sneak him the medication each night when I visited in order to protect our privacy. Even though the urologist was highly optimistic both attempts were unsuccessful. I hid as much disappointment as I could, especially from Aaron and few people actually knew what we were going through.
At this point, I just knew our chances of having our own family were over. The finality of it hit me hard, I had held hope for so many other random things over the past few years but there truly was an answer to this and it wasn't the one I had wanted to hear.
We had one more follow up appointment with the specialist before we were released to Aaron's regular urologist and to our surprise he had a few more ideas if we wanted to hear them. The fertility doctor also had some suggestions if we were interested. At that point, we had been ready to accept what was and just work on moving on but for some reason these two doctors convinced us to that our final answer might not really be final after all, there was still hope.
So here I was feeling heartbroken and hopeless with the possibility of starting all over but still with no guarantees. My heart was broken not once but twice and now we faced the possibility of being let down again. I wasn't sure I could do it all over, much less put Aaron through it for a third time. This is when we decided take a break, pray about it and, consider other options.
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