hIs TiMiNg

      In the heartbreak of knowing we might not be able to have our own family I was faced with a past full of plans and dreams that would no longer become realities, a present that I was having trouble seeing a purpose, and a future that seemed very uncertain. For the first time since Aaron's accident I was not strong, I was very broken. I had fought through the first few years without the thoughts of the future as the day to day battles were the priorities. 

          I was still keeping and had kept a lot of my feelings from Aaron. I knew he felt like it was his fault and that was not a burden I felt he needed to bear. If you knew him well before he accident then you probably know exactly what I am talking about. It wasn't him that caused this, it was the stupid accident. 

    During this time I really started questioning God's plans for our life. We had already been through so much that I felt like this one thing wasn't too much to ask for or was it? I began to also question if I just needed to accept that Aaron and I would never have children and move on? I went back and fourth with these thoughts for months. I was afraid to say it out loud for the fear of being judged or told we were crazy to even want to consider having a family given our current situation. 

   At one point, I even started questioning if we were okay not having children. I thought about the reasons Aaron and I had wanted children before his accident. I even began asking random friends and acquaintances their view on having children and the reasons they would start or had started their own family and why some of them had chosen not to have children. Interestingly enough, most of the answers I got were not rocket science. Most of our friends and acquaintances who wanted children or had children couldn't even tell me a good reason other than it was the next thing to do after they got married. 

    More months went by. I started getting brave enough to talk about what we were going through but I was guarded. When I did talk about it, I chose specific people and limited the amounts of information I disclosed. We had our supporters but I soon found out that no everyone was thrilled about the idea. No one ever said we were wrong or even that we were crazy, I could just tell they thought it was a bad idea. Some even gave specific reasons to support how I felt about their responses and what I thought they were really trying to say. Whether they were judging our decisions or note and whether they were just worried about the load that would add I am still unsure because I was afraid to ask. But it hurt and I already was struggling with it all, it just made my heart hurt more. 

   I keep talking about me but it's important to me that people know that Aaron has been involved in each and every decision that affected both our lives from the time he could finally shake his head yes or no and use a pencil eraser to point to a printed key board to spell his responses to us. Any life altering decisions since the months following Aaron's accident have not been taken lightly and most of all they have not been made without Aaron backing them. 

     I continued to struggle, mostly alone. I continued to be strong when I was with Aaron, often crying on my ride home after seeing him. I continued to push through, putting what I couldn't control out of my mind as much as I could and worked hard at accepting it for what it was. Even though I had just let a handful of people know about pieces of what was happening, I finally stopped talking to others altogether for fear that they would continue to disagree or judge what was best for our future. 

    I was communicating through Facebook with an old friend from a small group I had been part of right after Aaron's accident. She was also struggling with infertility on a different level and had written some things on her page. I don't remember exactly what she wrote but I remember reading it and driving in the car on the way to work a day or two later and it hit me on morning, that a-ha moment where it all made sense and I realized God hadn't said no but he had said not right now. I got it, I felt peace on this subject for the first time in months. I was able to focus on the positive, I knew it wasn't a good time to start a family whether it was possible or not. We weren't ready, I wasn't ready, and there were still too many what ifs lingering. This realization bought me some time and helped me go back having Faith in God's plan and more important, His timing.  

ObStAcLeS

    The conversations about the possibilities of Aaron and I one day having a family of our own started out of my own curiosity after Aaron was at FINR in 2009. Aaron wasn't involved in these conversation at this time, it just became something I had started thinking about. At one point, I ran some thoughts by someone who has become near and dear to the both of us over the past six years with that simple...do you think it is still a possibility? My question was well received and surprisingly I didn't feel that silly for asking...and hoping.  

    Soon after that conversation, that same person was by my side as we took the same thoughts and questions to Aaron's urologist. In case you didn't know, it's not something that we always broadcast, Aaron has a lot of bladder issues dating back to his days in the ICU. We can speculate several of the causes but the truth is we can't change anything. The doctors did what had to be done to keep Aaron alive at that point and due to some factors out of any ones control, Aaron had to get what is called a supra pubic catheter soon after he started his rehabilitation a few months after the accident. It was meant to be temporary at the time but he still has that tube through his belly. It goes directly into his bladder, leading to a leg bag where urine drains. At first I thought it was kind of gross, okay I thought it was really gross and I tried to hide it from everyone. We have had several years to get used to it and it's not so bad anymore. It's something that is most likely permanent even though we have looked alternative options, talked to several doctors, and have been given several opinions. In the big picture it really is a little thing and we just have learned to deal with it...have I lost you yet?

    So this short version of that, summing up what I just explained, Aaron and I would need to use a fertility specialist if we were to ever consider having a baby of our own. At this time, Aaron wasn't well enough to where I felt we could come to a mutual agreement to what we wanted as far as a family or what measures we were willing to take. We weren't ready for this yet and I knew that in my heart so I set my thoughts and questions aside for about the next year and and a half. 

   Sometime in 2011 we started talking it over a little at a time and were able to come to the conclusion that we did want to still have a family of our own...someday. We didn't know when or how but after some research, talking with friends had gone through fertility treatments, and many phone calls we were put in touch with a urologist that did this kind of stuff every day. We had also had a consultation with a fertility doctor who was more than willing to help us and even excited to be a part of our mess. Both came highly recommended and were very encouraging and got us excited about the possibilities. 


    By 2012 Aaron went through two procedures along with medication to "help" on his end. We kept it pretty discrete and only a few people even knew what we were up to. The facility that Aaron was at during that time didn't even know, I used to sneak him the medication each night when I visited in order to protect our privacy. Even though the urologist was highly optimistic both attempts were unsuccessful. I hid as much disappointment as I could, especially from Aaron and few people actually knew what we were going through. 

    At this point, I just knew our chances of having our own family were over. The finality of it hit me hard, I had held hope for so many other random things over the past few years but there truly was an answer to this and it wasn't the one I had wanted to hear. 

   We had one more follow up appointment with the specialist before we were released to Aaron's regular urologist and to our surprise he had a few more ideas if we wanted to hear them. The fertility doctor also had some suggestions if we were interested. At that point, we had been ready to accept what was and just work on moving on but for some reason these two doctors convinced us to  that our final answer might not really be final after all, there was still hope. 

     So here I was feeling heartbroken and hopeless with the possibility of starting all over but still with no guarantees. My heart was broken not once but twice and now we faced the possibility of being let down again. I wasn't sure I could do it all over, much less put Aaron through it for a third time. This is when we decided take a break, pray about it and, consider other options. 

tRaNsPaReNt

        It's crazy how the anxiety that I once felt about talking about and sharing the possibilities of us having our own family has changed over the last few weeks. Just putting it out there and becoming more transparent than I have even been has made so much difference. I am glad that I did it. 

      I have found myself talking with some sweet ladies I am acquainted with recently. It helped that they were encouraging and supportive. I was able to share even more details than I have written. I was surprised how easily the words came out of my mouth. I did not feel like crying and was able to remain composed throughout the conversations. 

       Being this transparent has definitely been challenging for me, while I usually seem to struggle for perfection, I have realized that no matter how many times I edit, delete, or rewrite our story it is something that is still hard for me. It is also something that I found that is finally bringing me some peace. As I continue to share the intimate details of this part of our story and the obstacles we have faced and are still facing, I am finding it easier to be more transparent than I have ever been able to be before. 

uP cLoSe AnD pErSoNaL

     I will still tell you if we talk about Aaron's accident and all that we have gone through the past six and a half years, we are blessed! I believe this with all my heart and I absolutely count those blessings each and every day! 

     When I started writing this blog it was to share our experiences, up close and personal with the true details of what our life is really like since Aaron's accident. Some of it was meant to be therapeutic for me. In some big or small way,  I was hoping it might also give someone else who is going through something similar something to take away to help them through their own storm. Still I tend to still share what it on the surface and stay away from the more personal topics. 


     It has taken a few months of editing this over and over to really decide what to share and how to share it. I am tired of keeping it in and pretending that it is not a big deal, when in fact it is quite a big deal for us. While some people know bits and pieces and I am getting more and more comfortable sharing small pieces, I have kept a lot to myself and I think I am finally brave enough to just let it go while I continue trying to accept the things I can not change and do not have control over. 

    This is just another part of our story, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I might also want to add, at this time I am not writing about this particular topic to get your thoughts or opinions. There is nothing I want you to say, there is nothing I want you to do...other than listen. If you are one of those people that feel the need to say something, please respect me by doing it through private messages or a prayer. 

    I should warn you, there will probably be a short novel to follow and possibly several others on this subject in the near future since there is no simple answer. So here it goes...

    I know this may (or may not) surprise some of you but inquiring minds want to know if we will have a family of our own someday. It is a question that many have asked, sometimes without thinking and sometimes after pondering it until I figured out what they wanted to ask and saved them the trouble by blurting out the answer. I can't say I blame anyone, it was a question I also had after the accident. 

     While the baby question is the most common question I have been asked since Aaron's accident, it is also the question I have avoided answering truthfully. I can usually sense when this question is coming so I am usually prepared for it. I have become very good at putting on my game face and giving my generic answers, you may even recognize my two favorites. My favorite and most logic answer was the "goal" of moving Aaron back home. My second favorite and also somewhat logical answer was taking about the guidance position I wanted after all that hard work getting through graduate school. To me it sounded pretty good, although I am not sure how well I actually fooled people. 

     Now that I have accomplished both of those (which I am pretty stoked about by the way) and can not use those answers, I have decided that maybe I just need to be open and honest with myself and others. I can finally talk about it without ending up in tears. I am also ready to stop bottling it up and pretending like it's not something that is frequently on my mind and in my prayers. (And Aaron's too!) 

    If you haven't figured it out by now, we do still want a family of our own. We realize there are obstacles that we didn't plan on and we may need to tweak some of those original plans. To be honest, we are at the point that we are not even sure if it's possible. As I continue to get up close and personal, I can also share that we are learning that it is not something we can control and we are continuing to learn to have faith in a plan that is bigger and better than anything Aaron and I could have come up with when we dreamt of how our life together was going to be. 

pUsHiNg BaCk ThE dArK

     The first few years following Aaron's accident I was in the car so much, going back and fourth to the hospital several times a day and then to the rehab over an hour away sometimes 4-5 times a week. A dear friend made me a CD while Aaron was in the ICU, it's now saved to my iTunes but I believe it was titled "Renee's songs of hope". This was really my first exposure to Christian music, other than the songs at church we sang on Sundays. I was in love instantly and it eventually led me to a local Christian radio station. My station has pretty much been set there from that point on, it always seems that the perfect song is on at the very moment I need it. The words of the songs literally sang to my heart, so many songs gave me hope and uplifted me during some of my darkest moments. These songs also brought me to a better understanding and some peace that I couldn't find anywhere else. In the beginning (and even now sometimes) they help made my heart happy and not so heavy. 

     I have been having a tough few weeks, I will spare most of the details but it started with Aaron not feeling well for a longer than usual time period, him ending up in the hospital for a long weekend, and a string of follow up appointments afterwards that forced me to leave work early and spend lots of time waiting for doctors to see us. (Among other random things!)

    Here's some of the ugly that I don't always like to share...I was feeling pretty "done" in general about Tuesday afternoon. The time change thing definitely was not helping! When I feel this way, it's usually a build up of the feelings I have been holding in just a little longer than I know I should so it isn't always pretty. I usually know when it's one of those times and I know that I need to let it run it's course and pray that I have the strength to get through it and it passes quickly. 

   I don't remember where I was or where I was going but one afternoon, the moment I got in the car and started it, I hear Pushing Back the Dark by Josh Wilson on the radio. Here are just a few verses...


One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.


Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

     Those were that exact words I needed to hear, it was like they were meant just for me in that moment. The a-ha that makes my heart happy again and the relief that comes with knowing what I am feeling and the moments I am going through are a pretty normal thing. 

    As I continue pushing back the dark, I am reminded that there is a much bigger plan. I am thankful that the God I follow is so much bigger and has a purpose that I don't yet understand. 

Making the most of our time in the hospital a few weeks ago...Aaron looking up the football games on his iPad and me working on school stuff on the laptop! 

It'S lIkE rIdInG a BiKe...

   You know the old saying, once you learn to ride a bike you always know how. Well when it comes to a post traumatic brain injury that is not always the case, whether it's riding a bike or anything else you have known and have been able to do practically your entire life. 

    This July we were able to barrow an adult sized tricycle and a helmet thanks to some pretty awesome people. As usual, this was just another crazy idea I had that I thought we could try. With a little assistance, Aaron was able to get onto the bike. Within in minutes he was riding down the road all by himself and I was chasing after him! Steering and braking were a bit of a challenge but practice makes perfect right? We live in a small gated community with a long stretch of street that made this challenge a little easier. I even strapped Jasper in for a ride, against his will of course! 

     Aaron has definitely become an exception to many of the norms associated with what happens after a severe traumatic brain injury. So many things we were told he would never be able to do have been proved wrong time and time again. It has taken over seven years to ride a bike, among many other things, but I am delighted in every bit of progress big and small! There are so many things I never knew I could be excited about and thankful for. 

     A few weeks ago we went out to dinner, I turned around to see where he was as we walked into a restaurant. I thought he was right behind me but to my surprise he had stopped to hold the door for an elderly couple that was walking in behind us. You can imagine my surprise as Aaron always used to hold doors for people! Up until his accident he actually still opened the car door for me wherever we went! 

    "Have patience God isn't finished yet." Philippians 16