Letting Go

     I realized I haven't written in awhile, truth is I am often thinking of what I could write and it's just a matter of sitting down long enough to do it. The idea for this one came to me at the end of December after a trip to Disney with friends, since then two other events happened and they seemed to somewhat go along with the original idea I had wanted to write about.

Part 1: 

    Over the holiday's, Aaron's best college friend was in town and invited us to join him and his family at Animal Kingdom the following day. If you have never been to Animal Kingdom it's a fun place to visit and as usual Disney goes all out, including the authentic jungle terrain that includes imprints of animal tracks, a variety of vegetation on the sidewalk, and lots of slopes and hills. If you have a walker it feels like an obstacle course with booby traps, it is also quite the work out for whomever is helping. Without too much thought, I decided to dust off the custom built wheelchair that's been sitting in the same corner in our garage for three plus years and take it too to make our trip easier and more enjoyable for the both of us. It made me realize that taking the wheelchair is not a big deal, it is actually helpful and much less exhausting for the both of us. We were both happy campers leaving Disney that day and I was reminded that we have the wheelchair for a reason and it's not a bad one. Using the wheelchair doesn't change the what Aaron can do. The past few years I have been so set on "pushing" Aaron that I forgot how much easier it was to literally push him in that wheelchair for a few hours. 

Happy pusher!

Happy Rider!

    

Part 2:

    The next two things I am about to share don't have pictures to go with them but I am sure you will agree that even if I did they may not be appropriate for social media! I tend to rely on staff to help with Aaron, I rarely use family and friends. If you know me, you know if I leave you with Aaron it is usually because I am desperate and have no other options. 

     A friend from work had convinced me to sign up for a local boot camp, Aaron's mom happened to be visiting for a few weeks in January so it was the perfect opportunity for me to take advantage of the extra help and go at 7am on a Saturday morning. I was finishing up that first morning and had been away from the house less than an hour and a half when Aaron FaceTimed me and is laughing. All I could make out was that they "had made a mess". I rushed home thinking it was the stupid dog, oh how I wish that would have been the case. Out of no where, there are usually warning signs, Aaron needed to use the bathroom while I was gone. Not knowing that it may have been coming, I neglected to give his mom the bathroom 101 course. So two things happened here. The first thing was that someone other than myself or trained staff needed to help Aaron, granted I know it was his mom it was still something I had tried to avoid for his dignity (And from what I gather, when there was no other choice, it wasn't as big of deal to Aaron as it was me.) Second Aaron clogged the toilet, his mom tried to flush it, then it overflowed. This situation drenched our master bath in, well, you know!!! I will leave it there but you can imagine the mess, it's the kind that you don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think Aaron covered the laughing and his mom may have covered the crying...I just got what was left of the mess. It's not an everyday occurrence thankfully but it from time to time these crazy random things seem to happen to us. This  time was so much different because someone else got my perspective and I learned that it's okay. I know his mom could have done without this experience and I know that it might have been easier for me to deal with it but the reality is that I wasn't there. I can't be there all the time and I definitely can't control what happens when I am not there. 

Part 3:

      Last but definitely not least, I've been volunteering at a girls camp the past few years for an entire weekend in February. It includes over night and when Aaron moved home it meant that we needed to get 24 hour coverage for him while I was away. The first year we had people lined up and then they cancelled their shifts at the last minute, this year was not much different. The company and I managed to work out a last minute schedule with the staff that got me where I needed to be most of the weekend but there were still a few glitches to work through. 

     I found out late Friday night that one of the ladies scheduled to help cover the Sunday shift was only available until 11:30 am, camp ends at 12 but it also takes over half an hour to drive home.  I started brainstorming friends  who were in town and not volunteering at camp with me who might be able to help cover that time on Sunday morning. It hit me at lunch when I saw our friend's husband (she was also volunteering with me for the weekend) stopped out at camp to see for lunch. He of course agreed to help without a second thought. I jumped in the car as soon as the girls left and I could go home. When I arrived home, I walked in to an empty living room. When I realized the guys were in the master bathroom, panic set in. All I could think for those three seconds it took me to walk into the bathroom was that I couldn't believe that Aaron couldn't wait an hour to use the bathroom until I got home (makes sense doesn't it?!) and that if there was a repeat of the last bathroom incident we may be one less friend! Thankfully it wasn't a #2 problem this time and our sweet friend was listening to Aaron give directions for him to help empty the catheter. Although I was still modified and embarrassed that our friend was helping with THIS I was also overwhelmed with his willingness to help out even when it may have been uncomfortable or just a little bit gross. As I stood there looking over them and apologizing at least six times (probably more), I realized the guys were okay. They totally had it under control and our sweet friend was helping with such graciousness. My heart got big and in that moment I was reminded how thankful I was for that friend and that maybe THIS wasn't as big of a thing as I had been making it out to be in my head all these years. 

   Letting go isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, I just need to find the courage to do it more often. I may have been uncomfortable  with it at first but it was good to be able to let a few things go recently. 

tHe RiGhT rOad?

         As a side note, what I am about to share here through this particular post will pretty much sums up where we are at in the present. I know a few people who have been asking what the current situation was and wanting to know if I have any exciting news or surprises...oh and be prepared for even more up close and personal.

    After we went through some preliminary testing and more procedures during the summer of 2013, Aaron and I decided that we were finally ready to "try" to get pregnant during the fall of 2013. This would only be possible with the help of the fertility specialists who were convinced they could help us make having a family of our own a reality. We had looked at all of the other options and discussed the pros and cons in depth, this option seemed the most reasonable. It allowed us to be making the decisions and not having to rely on others to decide whether or not we could be parents. Believe it or not, it was one of the more affordable options too even though insurance doesn't cover much at all. 

      Everything appeared to be in order. The doctor we see recommended insemination, the easy and the least expensive approach offered when dealing with our obstacles, given that I was healthy and young enough. Our chances of success were pretty similar to those who are trying to get pregnant under normal circumstances each month. I was apprehensive, Aaron was supportive, and the doctor remained optimistic. 

   You would think me, the planner, would be ready for this. Every step of this is planned down to the day and sometimes to the hour. Of course it is planned around my body's schedule and my body does not run like clockwork, making it more of a challenge. Many appointments are scheduled as a result of timing of my body, sometimes giving me as little as 24 hour notice until an appointment. I should mention, the specialist we see is also on the other side of Orlando so the unpredictable traffic can sometimes add stress to the whole thing. And of course, if you know me, I  do anything and everything to be at work and make appointments in the late afternoon and/or vacations as possible which has been difficult and not even an option most times. 

     The first time we did an insemination probably was the worst. Since I have never been pregnant, I have no idea what to expect if it were to work. Turns out the "two week wait" as they called it makes you absolutely crazy, well it makes me crazy anyhow! Google didn't help either. I did know, however, the day it would show up on a test. I was advised not to test until that 14th day. And let's be honest, I felt it was highly unlikely that we'd be successful that first time. That would have been much to easy. Only Aaron, my mom, and my "Florida mom" as I often refer to her as knew that we had done the first round. I didn't need to go out and buy a test since I didn't even make it to the 14th day that month.

    For the second time around, I was even more apprehensive but we decided to go through a second cycle anyhow. Only Aaron knew this time. The doctor had recommend at least 3-4 cycles to start out. This time I couldn't take it, I just knew it wasn't going to happen so I tested a few days before that 14th day. The test was negative, just like I expected. 

     Again, the doctor remained optimistic. He encouraged us to finish out at least one to two more cycles. In the meantime, we added a medication that made sure I ovulated regularly (even though we were pretty certain I was). This also added an extra appointment each month to make sure I had not developed any cysts, a side effect of the medication. The medication somewhat enhanced normal PMS symptoms for me, which also can be easily confused with pregnancy symptoms. And IT was confusing and annoying. I did not want to get my hopes up. We did cycle three and four with this medication, both were unsuccessful. 

    I was ready to quit. This obviously wasn't working. The doctor remained optimistic and kept encouraging us that there was still a good chance that we could have a family of our own. He said we needed to give it a year. We eventually added an injection that I gave to myself each month that would ensure our timing was absolutely perfect. With this came more appointments and ultrasounds to check everything regularly. More "symptoms" occurred which I was used to from the other medication but I kept getting my hopes up because maybe this was it? My body seemed to be cooperating from what the doctor could tell me, my "numbers" even indicated high enough levels to be pregnant at times. Again, it all of the attempts were unsuccessful and came with more disappointment. 

    As of December 2014, we have done six inseminations and all have been unsuccessful. I keep thinking about quitting. Aaron is supportive either way. The doctor is still encouraging and hasn't ruled out any possibilities or recommended another type of treatment at this point.

 

hIs TiMiNg

      In the heartbreak of knowing we might not be able to have our own family I was faced with a past full of plans and dreams that would no longer become realities, a present that I was having trouble seeing a purpose, and a future that seemed very uncertain. For the first time since Aaron's accident I was not strong, I was very broken. I had fought through the first few years without the thoughts of the future as the day to day battles were the priorities. 

          I was still keeping and had kept a lot of my feelings from Aaron. I knew he felt like it was his fault and that was not a burden I felt he needed to bear. If you knew him well before he accident then you probably know exactly what I am talking about. It wasn't him that caused this, it was the stupid accident. 

    During this time I really started questioning God's plans for our life. We had already been through so much that I felt like this one thing wasn't too much to ask for or was it? I began to also question if I just needed to accept that Aaron and I would never have children and move on? I went back and fourth with these thoughts for months. I was afraid to say it out loud for the fear of being judged or told we were crazy to even want to consider having a family given our current situation. 

   At one point, I even started questioning if we were okay not having children. I thought about the reasons Aaron and I had wanted children before his accident. I even began asking random friends and acquaintances their view on having children and the reasons they would start or had started their own family and why some of them had chosen not to have children. Interestingly enough, most of the answers I got were not rocket science. Most of our friends and acquaintances who wanted children or had children couldn't even tell me a good reason other than it was the next thing to do after they got married. 

    More months went by. I started getting brave enough to talk about what we were going through but I was guarded. When I did talk about it, I chose specific people and limited the amounts of information I disclosed. We had our supporters but I soon found out that no everyone was thrilled about the idea. No one ever said we were wrong or even that we were crazy, I could just tell they thought it was a bad idea. Some even gave specific reasons to support how I felt about their responses and what I thought they were really trying to say. Whether they were judging our decisions or note and whether they were just worried about the load that would add I am still unsure because I was afraid to ask. But it hurt and I already was struggling with it all, it just made my heart hurt more. 

   I keep talking about me but it's important to me that people know that Aaron has been involved in each and every decision that affected both our lives from the time he could finally shake his head yes or no and use a pencil eraser to point to a printed key board to spell his responses to us. Any life altering decisions since the months following Aaron's accident have not been taken lightly and most of all they have not been made without Aaron backing them. 

     I continued to struggle, mostly alone. I continued to be strong when I was with Aaron, often crying on my ride home after seeing him. I continued to push through, putting what I couldn't control out of my mind as much as I could and worked hard at accepting it for what it was. Even though I had just let a handful of people know about pieces of what was happening, I finally stopped talking to others altogether for fear that they would continue to disagree or judge what was best for our future. 

    I was communicating through Facebook with an old friend from a small group I had been part of right after Aaron's accident. She was also struggling with infertility on a different level and had written some things on her page. I don't remember exactly what she wrote but I remember reading it and driving in the car on the way to work a day or two later and it hit me on morning, that a-ha moment where it all made sense and I realized God hadn't said no but he had said not right now. I got it, I felt peace on this subject for the first time in months. I was able to focus on the positive, I knew it wasn't a good time to start a family whether it was possible or not. We weren't ready, I wasn't ready, and there were still too many what ifs lingering. This realization bought me some time and helped me go back having Faith in God's plan and more important, His timing.  

uP cLoSe AnD pErSoNaL

     I will still tell you if we talk about Aaron's accident and all that we have gone through the past six and a half years, we are blessed! I believe this with all my heart and I absolutely count those blessings each and every day! 

     When I started writing this blog it was to share our experiences, up close and personal with the true details of what our life is really like since Aaron's accident. Some of it was meant to be therapeutic for me. In some big or small way,  I was hoping it might also give someone else who is going through something similar something to take away to help them through their own storm. Still I tend to still share what it on the surface and stay away from the more personal topics. 


     It has taken a few months of editing this over and over to really decide what to share and how to share it. I am tired of keeping it in and pretending that it is not a big deal, when in fact it is quite a big deal for us. While some people know bits and pieces and I am getting more and more comfortable sharing small pieces, I have kept a lot to myself and I think I am finally brave enough to just let it go while I continue trying to accept the things I can not change and do not have control over. 

    This is just another part of our story, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I might also want to add, at this time I am not writing about this particular topic to get your thoughts or opinions. There is nothing I want you to say, there is nothing I want you to do...other than listen. If you are one of those people that feel the need to say something, please respect me by doing it through private messages or a prayer. 

    I should warn you, there will probably be a short novel to follow and possibly several others on this subject in the near future since there is no simple answer. So here it goes...

    I know this may (or may not) surprise some of you but inquiring minds want to know if we will have a family of our own someday. It is a question that many have asked, sometimes without thinking and sometimes after pondering it until I figured out what they wanted to ask and saved them the trouble by blurting out the answer. I can't say I blame anyone, it was a question I also had after the accident. 

     While the baby question is the most common question I have been asked since Aaron's accident, it is also the question I have avoided answering truthfully. I can usually sense when this question is coming so I am usually prepared for it. I have become very good at putting on my game face and giving my generic answers, you may even recognize my two favorites. My favorite and most logic answer was the "goal" of moving Aaron back home. My second favorite and also somewhat logical answer was taking about the guidance position I wanted after all that hard work getting through graduate school. To me it sounded pretty good, although I am not sure how well I actually fooled people. 

     Now that I have accomplished both of those (which I am pretty stoked about by the way) and can not use those answers, I have decided that maybe I just need to be open and honest with myself and others. I can finally talk about it without ending up in tears. I am also ready to stop bottling it up and pretending like it's not something that is frequently on my mind and in my prayers. (And Aaron's too!) 

    If you haven't figured it out by now, we do still want a family of our own. We realize there are obstacles that we didn't plan on and we may need to tweak some of those original plans. To be honest, we are at the point that we are not even sure if it's possible. As I continue to get up close and personal, I can also share that we are learning that it is not something we can control and we are continuing to learn to have faith in a plan that is bigger and better than anything Aaron and I could have come up with when we dreamt of how our life together was going to be. 

wHy Do I sTaY???

    Over the past six years family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers have given me permission to leave my marriage (especially in the first year or two after the accident) and some of them at one time or another have questioned my reason to stay in my marriage. I am not upset with any of those above statements now because I have learned as I look back that they were only concerned for my future as much as they were concerned about Aaron's. At this point, I feel that they have ALL accepted my decision to stay right where I am and want to be, supporting and encouraging me and us as a couple...which is a good feeling. 

   This week was my first week back to school, all good things must come to an end and summer vacation is one of them unfortunately! Aaron and his caregiver resumed our "school schedule", which includes her being at our house at 7am five days a week! Aaron and Alexa (that's our person) find a lot of things to do while I am gone! One afternoon she was working on cleaning up the kitchen and since he was sitting out there with her, she suggested that he practice his writing and he decided to write me a note. 

   Here is the note, he had no help. I took a picture of it and because it's difficult to read since he writes so small, something that we are working on, I have also typed out what it says below the picture. 

Renee, 

I love you.

Thank you for putting up with me and all of my personal stuff. I will try to make it up to you any way I can. 

Love, Aaron

   He is the reason I have stayed. He is as sweet, caring, and considerate as he was when I first met him ten years ago in 2004. We may have some other things thrown in that we didn't plan on that make our life just little more difficult that it once was but that's okay. We are learning to adjust, change, and accept that things aren't the way we had planned them to be. 

    I also know how fortunate to have him be the person I was married to before his accident, it is not often like that for families who have someone with a brain injury as severe as the one Aaron had. I stay for so many reasons but most of all I stay because I love the man he was and is and this note is just a reminder of that! 

tOuGh CoNvErSaTiOnS

       I have had to endure more than my fair share of tough conversations over the past five years...some good, some bad, and some just plain ugly. I am learning to let go of the ones that are over or at least look back and laugh at them. I am learning to to move forward with some, replacing my once rehearsed generic answers with something more heartfelt and honest. 

    Out of all the crazy and difficult conversations I had in regards to Aaron's condition, I  had never realized that my toughest ones would be the ones that I actually had with Aaron. These didn't come early and they surely didn't come all at once. It was probably the past year or two when he started getting better and started sorting things out and becoming himself again that he started asking more questions and was able to look at the big picture in front of him. 

    One of the reasons I am able to stick right by him "in sickness and for worse" is that he is appreciative of all I do. Honestly, I can't think of a time where he wasn't (even before the accident). He thanks me for "putting up with him", doing the laundry, taking him out, bring him chicken nuggets, calling him, helping him in the bathroom….this list could go on. 

      Through many conversations, he blames himself (another typical Aaron-ism even before the accident). We have been over and over the what's and the why's of what we know about the accident and I can't convince him otherwise. It's hard to see him blame himself for something that was an unfortunate accident beyond our realm of understanding. 

      I think the first time I heard him thank me for putting up with him my heart almost broke. As any other couple I know, we didn't  quite see eye to eye on this subject and it made me sad because I wanted him to see it my way this time. I didn't want him to feel that he was a burden, because that's the direction the conversation soon took but it was he who insisted he was. We have never really settled our disagreement and he still argues his side and I still defend mine. 

     Tough conversations are just another part of this crazy journey we are on. I must admit, if I have to have them with anyone, I couldn't think of anyone better to have them then with Aaron! I am also thankful to be done with the ones with the doctors!