tHaNkFuL

      Each November I see the random posts of things to be thankful start on Facebook, except I usually see it too many days into it to remember to actually do it myself! This year I saw a friend's post the very first day of November so I decided to give it a try this year too. While most of the things I posted were silly little things, I happened to run across this quote and it seemed to go with the thankfulness theme and be a bit of inspiration for a new addition to my blog. 

"The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us." -James E. Faust

     Even thought Aaron is 100% a part of all this, I am writing strictly about how/what I feel and know. As he gets better and you have conversations with both of us you will see how our experiences, feelings, and memories are completely different throughout the past five and a half years. Just like he has, I have had my own battles. Even though Aaron was living and breathing and even listening he hasn't always had the capacity to help me deal with some of the tough stuff and there have been times he has I have opted to keep him out of it just for the sake of giving him a few less worries. Let me elaborate by saying that if you know Aaron well, sitting around worrying about others is something he does well and since he was doing a lot of sitting at one point I did not want to burden him with anything else with so much on his plate, leaving his main focus on getting better. 

    That last two years were a few of my toughest, I have tried to write about it many times but I just could never get it "right" so this is yet another attempt that I may end up deleting before I finish...

    One of the main struggles I have had is that I once felt the need to be "normal" (maybe "average" is a better word to use) as long as I can remember. It's not that I didn't appreciate what I had/have, because I did/do, I just wanted so much to be like everyone else…boring I know! As I get older and more experienced in life, that does seem pretty silly but that is how I felt for a long time. Just when I started feeling that I was accomplishing those "normal" things, which included; graduating from college, moving to Florida/entering into the teaching profession (that was a fiasco as well), getting engaged/married, and purchasing our first house…it all went from wonderfully normal to completely confusing and crazy within two to three days after Aaron's accident. Things haven't been the same since then but I finally starting to be able to accept how things are and the blessings that come with this "normal"! 

     Even though I know that good relationships take a lot of give and take, a lot of patience, a lot of forgiving, and a lot of accepting yet I have struggled with many relationships since the accident. I know that good, healthy relationships take work during normal circumstances but throw in a catastrophic accident and all hell seemed to break loose! I have continued to struggle with this and honestly still do.  I usually blame myself, maybe because it's easier. I have had struggles with both family and friends some known and some unsaid. I have purposefully shut people out to avoid hurt (sometimes on my end, sometimes on theirs), I have given up on some relationships because they were too hard or I felt they just weren't going to work no matter how hard I tried. I have also avoided relationships simply because I didn't know how to make them work. I used to dread meeting new people because they might not understand or might judge our situation or just feel sorry for us. I hated seeing old friends at times because things were not they way they used to be. I have been challenging myself to do better in both these areas. It's still a work in progress and I am not perfect and as you can see it's all just plain confusing.  

    No matter how I look at things or how I feel, I know we are continually surrounded by blessings big and small and my heart is thankful no matter how different things are than how I thought they were supposed to be. At the end of the yucky days and tough years…I  am ThAnKfUl because I know God's plan is better than any plan I had for myself and Aaron. 



   
   

tOuGh CoNvErSaTiOnS

       I have had to endure more than my fair share of tough conversations over the past five years...some good, some bad, and some just plain ugly. I am learning to let go of the ones that are over or at least look back and laugh at them. I am learning to to move forward with some, replacing my once rehearsed generic answers with something more heartfelt and honest. 

    Out of all the crazy and difficult conversations I had in regards to Aaron's condition, I  had never realized that my toughest ones would be the ones that I actually had with Aaron. These didn't come early and they surely didn't come all at once. It was probably the past year or two when he started getting better and started sorting things out and becoming himself again that he started asking more questions and was able to look at the big picture in front of him. 

    One of the reasons I am able to stick right by him "in sickness and for worse" is that he is appreciative of all I do. Honestly, I can't think of a time where he wasn't (even before the accident). He thanks me for "putting up with him", doing the laundry, taking him out, bring him chicken nuggets, calling him, helping him in the bathroom….this list could go on. 

      Through many conversations, he blames himself (another typical Aaron-ism even before the accident). We have been over and over the what's and the why's of what we know about the accident and I can't convince him otherwise. It's hard to see him blame himself for something that was an unfortunate accident beyond our realm of understanding. 

      I think the first time I heard him thank me for putting up with him my heart almost broke. As any other couple I know, we didn't  quite see eye to eye on this subject and it made me sad because I wanted him to see it my way this time. I didn't want him to feel that he was a burden, because that's the direction the conversation soon took but it was he who insisted he was. We have never really settled our disagreement and he still argues his side and I still defend mine. 

     Tough conversations are just another part of this crazy journey we are on. I must admit, if I have to have them with anyone, I couldn't think of anyone better to have them then with Aaron! I am also thankful to be done with the ones with the doctors! 

    

jUsT bEcAuSe

      A little over a month ago, I got a flood of texts from family members asking what they could get Aaron for his birthday. As usual I didn't have a good answer and he certainly hadn't asked for anything and surely didn't need anything that I could think of.

      While taking to his mom and racking my brain for just ONE idea, I finally suggested sending something fun to him on his special day that he could show off like balloons!

       If I have the story right the local florist delivered Aaron's birthday balloons as scheduled. I can only assume they actually took them to Aaron's room and met him as they finished their delivery because later that evening they called Aaron's mom in Indiana to ask a few questions. It turns out that they wanted permission to send Aaron a little something each month to "brighten his day".

     A month went by quickly, I actually had forgotten about their call after the last balloon had deflated and they were finally in the trash. Then one evening, when I arrived for a visit, the ladies at the front desk asked me about the flowers Aaron had received earlier that day. I was perplexed for a moment until I remembered my mother in law's recent conversation with the florist.

     I reached for the card as soon as I entered the room and sure enough the florist was sending something to "brighten" Aaron's day as promised! If anyone needs a good recommendation for a florist in Winter Haven boy do I have one for you!

SoMe Of ThE nOt FuN sTuFf

       After a few weeks in the ICU one of the nurses noticed this weird movement that would run down Aaron's shoulder, through his arm, and down to his hand. It was just on the one side. It wasn't long before they were able to give it the name of mycloclonic seizures. One of Aaron's neurologists worked hard to finally find two therapeutic doses of medication that would control the seizures, which we also found out were common with brain injuries.
   
      Once we moved out of the ICU to Wauchula…somehow, somewhere one of Aaron's doctors felt we should be able to take Aaron off one of the two medications to control seizures. (This was a good thing as the one medicine they discontinued wasn't supposed to be used for long term.) Aaron had no problems after going to one medication and every time they examined him and did any testing there seemed to be no more signs of the seizures we had seen in the ICU. We were elated! 


       Fast forward to the facility in Winter Haven almost two years later…what do you know I go out of town for one of the first times since the accident for fun and Aaron has a full blown seizure. This was something we had not ever experienced and truthfully, I thought we were way beyond this point in his recovery so it was pretty stressful. (Especially since seizures can cause falls and with a brain injury, another fall could be devastating for Aaron.) I had left about 10 hours earlier when I got the call. There was a lot of drama surrounding the first seizure and trip to the hospital but thankfully my school secretary was available to go and sit with Aaron at the emergency room to all hours of the night. Did I mentioned that the hospital wouldn't tell me anything because of HIPPA and Aaron was not good on the phone at that point?! 

       From that day on, Aaron has continued to have what our current neurologist has diagnosed as "breakthrough" seizures. I had some of my own theories but since I haven't been able to prove them 100% I will keep quiet, anyone who has ever been a caretaker or parent can probably relate! It seems as if when Aaron gets a mild infection it can easily cause full blown seizures, the infections that would leave those of us who are healthy miserable and might cause us to miss a day of work. Again, it is something that comes along with a brain injury and is unfortunately unpredictable.

      Aaron has had several seizures over the past three years and they never get easier. After each one I go back to worrying and as time goes on, I almost forget to worry about them just in time for another one to sneak up on us. He doesn't seem to remember them, which I guess is a good thing. He has fallen during one. I have witnessed one myself. He has also been sent to the hospital on more than one occasion due to a seizure. 

       Last fall, we were having way more "stay-cations" at the local hospital than either of us would prefer.Throughout this past few years we have learned that due to strong infections, the quick fix for Aaron is to have a strong dose of IV antibiotics which are usually started in the hospital. When they feel Aaron is improving then they are able to send him back to the rehab where they have the ability to monitor the infections closely and continue the antibiotics. Aaron was in the emergency room and then admitted twice in two month time period. There were other complications that made it a little more stressful and anyone who has sat in an emergency room knows how much fun that is. 

     Aaron's neurologist was able to recommend a newer medicine shortly after the last trip to the hospital to go along with what he was already taking. Fortunately it was the perfect match because as of 11/16/13, we have been seizure free for an entire year!!!!!!!!! This also means we don't have to go to the neurologist as often, we have been upgraded to every six months and the last check up we literally spent five minutes with our doctor (who is awesome by the way)! While I hope we stay seizure free, there is always the possibility that Aaron could have another but I will take ONE YEAR without a seizure as a HUGE accomplishment! 

    Here are a few pictures documenting our first hospital 
stay-cation last fall. He was much sicker during the second trip so there were no pictures from then. 

Aaron kept asking for shorts,  I'll be the first to tell you that he is NOT a good patient to have lol! 

Sweet friends from small group brought milk shakes and french fries to Aaron to make him feel better! 

tOo MaNy CoOkS iN oUr KiTcHeN???

     For those of us who know us well, you know that Aaron and I were not very good cooks before his accident. Aaron could do Chili's, I am not talking about the soup, and I could do a nice big bowl of cereal any night of the week. The few times I actually remember cooking and enjoying a real meal at home together after we were married was our first Thanksgiving in Florida in 2007 and I thought you would enjoy the pictures documenting this once in a lifetime event, see below! 

Frying our first turkey, Thanksgiving in Florida 2007!

I honestly think this was the first and last time we actually sat at this table to eat dinner together!

    As I was saying, we are not top chefs! Even now, with our craziness, not much has changed. I never thought I would consider McDonald's one of the main food groups and I still love my bowl of cereal no matter what time of day it is! 

   We were just hanging out at the house tonight. I was wanting something sweet and Aaron was bored, pretty typical for the two of us lol! I had recently been to Walmart and got sucked into the fall aisle. I ended up leaving with a bag of orange and black chocolate chips along with other unnecessary fall themed items. 

   I decide to make cookies. Who better to assist me than the person who was complaining they were bored (well at least until he realized that the Ohio State game was on)?! I also thought this would be good therapy... I am pretty sure there are many days that Aaron probably wishes over and over that he hadn't married an elementary teacher! So here are just a few shots of Aaron actually cooking in our kitchen but don't worry I was supervising, I mean helping!

Adding the ingredients!

Mixing them up!

One of the best parts, licking the beater!

Team work...getting the dough ready for the pan!

Almost ready for the oven!

Mmmmmmmm!!!

     For those of you who might get some cookies, please note that Aaron DID wash his hands before, during, and after cooking! Who knew cooking at home could be so much fun!? Maybe next time we should try making dinner! 

   

LaSt LaUgH!

    One of the blessings is that we can pretty much find humor in anything these days...even sneaking into the women's bathroom together where there's no other bathroom for me to go in and help him! 
    Here are just a few things that have been said or have happened recently that have made for a good laugh! If you knew Aaron before the accident you know that he had a great sense of humor and he was very sarcastic! 

Me: (pulling into the rehab to take Aaron back one evening)
Aaron: Home Sweet Home!

Me: (sneezing)
Aaron: I think you are allergic to me

Me: (driving in a questionable neighborhood, car zooms down the road at our intersection) Drive it like you stold it!
Aaron: If you live around here you probably did!

Me: Dancing in the car. 
Aaron: That's all you got?

Me: (parked in the "doctor" spot at the rehab on the weekends)
Aaron: Dr. Royer