LeAvInG tHe DoOrs Open

        When it comes to having a family of our own, adoption has been and is one of the options we have considered all along.

        We have spoken with many couples who have adopted over the past few years. We have heard their stories. Some went through agencies and had to drain their savings and one even put their child on their credit card. Others found a baby to adopt through a friend of a friend and were able to do a private adoption. And yet others fostered and were able to adopt the children already living in their homes. It wasn't long before we found out that adoption looks different for everyone. 

     In researching agencies, it is scary and there are a lot of considerations to take into account and preferences to decide on. Other agencies required thousands of dollars in advance, which is okay, but will not be refunded if the birth mother is changes her mind and decides to keep the baby after he or she is born. 

Most agencies specifically ask for two healthy parents.    

Knowing the challenge of being able to convince agencies that Aaron is indeed healthy for all intensive purposes and has some limitations is proving to be our biggest challenge when we look at adoption. 

        After talking to a few of the agencies and getting a recommendation from a dear friend's church, we were put in touch with a lawyer through Tampa. She was willing to work with us, there was only one problem, Aaron didn't live at home during that time. She had said that no one would take us seriously if I couldn't even care for my husband at home. I knew what she meant. Adoption (through an agency) would have to be postponed or would it? 

        It was that very same afternoon that I met with someone that helps us handle Aaron's care. She explained that Aaron had surpassed the need for the level of care he was getting at the rehab facility and we needed to talk about Aaron's options...one of which was moving home with me permanently. 

tHe RiGhT rOad?

         As a side note, what I am about to share here through this particular post will pretty much sums up where we are at in the present. I know a few people who have been asking what the current situation was and wanting to know if I have any exciting news or surprises...oh and be prepared for even more up close and personal.

    After we went through some preliminary testing and more procedures during the summer of 2013, Aaron and I decided that we were finally ready to "try" to get pregnant during the fall of 2013. This would only be possible with the help of the fertility specialists who were convinced they could help us make having a family of our own a reality. We had looked at all of the other options and discussed the pros and cons in depth, this option seemed the most reasonable. It allowed us to be making the decisions and not having to rely on others to decide whether or not we could be parents. Believe it or not, it was one of the more affordable options too even though insurance doesn't cover much at all. 

      Everything appeared to be in order. The doctor we see recommended insemination, the easy and the least expensive approach offered when dealing with our obstacles, given that I was healthy and young enough. Our chances of success were pretty similar to those who are trying to get pregnant under normal circumstances each month. I was apprehensive, Aaron was supportive, and the doctor remained optimistic. 

   You would think me, the planner, would be ready for this. Every step of this is planned down to the day and sometimes to the hour. Of course it is planned around my body's schedule and my body does not run like clockwork, making it more of a challenge. Many appointments are scheduled as a result of timing of my body, sometimes giving me as little as 24 hour notice until an appointment. I should mention, the specialist we see is also on the other side of Orlando so the unpredictable traffic can sometimes add stress to the whole thing. And of course, if you know me, I  do anything and everything to be at work and make appointments in the late afternoon and/or vacations as possible which has been difficult and not even an option most times. 

     The first time we did an insemination probably was the worst. Since I have never been pregnant, I have no idea what to expect if it were to work. Turns out the "two week wait" as they called it makes you absolutely crazy, well it makes me crazy anyhow! Google didn't help either. I did know, however, the day it would show up on a test. I was advised not to test until that 14th day. And let's be honest, I felt it was highly unlikely that we'd be successful that first time. That would have been much to easy. Only Aaron, my mom, and my "Florida mom" as I often refer to her as knew that we had done the first round. I didn't need to go out and buy a test since I didn't even make it to the 14th day that month.

    For the second time around, I was even more apprehensive but we decided to go through a second cycle anyhow. Only Aaron knew this time. The doctor had recommend at least 3-4 cycles to start out. This time I couldn't take it, I just knew it wasn't going to happen so I tested a few days before that 14th day. The test was negative, just like I expected. 

     Again, the doctor remained optimistic. He encouraged us to finish out at least one to two more cycles. In the meantime, we added a medication that made sure I ovulated regularly (even though we were pretty certain I was). This also added an extra appointment each month to make sure I had not developed any cysts, a side effect of the medication. The medication somewhat enhanced normal PMS symptoms for me, which also can be easily confused with pregnancy symptoms. And IT was confusing and annoying. I did not want to get my hopes up. We did cycle three and four with this medication, both were unsuccessful. 

    I was ready to quit. This obviously wasn't working. The doctor remained optimistic and kept encouraging us that there was still a good chance that we could have a family of our own. He said we needed to give it a year. We eventually added an injection that I gave to myself each month that would ensure our timing was absolutely perfect. With this came more appointments and ultrasounds to check everything regularly. More "symptoms" occurred which I was used to from the other medication but I kept getting my hopes up because maybe this was it? My body seemed to be cooperating from what the doctor could tell me, my "numbers" even indicated high enough levels to be pregnant at times. Again, it all of the attempts were unsuccessful and came with more disappointment. 

    As of December 2014, we have done six inseminations and all have been unsuccessful. I keep thinking about quitting. Aaron is supportive either way. The doctor is still encouraging and hasn't ruled out any possibilities or recommended another type of treatment at this point.

 

cHaNgInG dIrEcTiOnS

         After some time passed and we had more discussions, Aaron and I decided to forget the specialists but instead to change our direction. At that time we considering that maybe God had other plans and we needed to be open minded. 

      We first decided to consider becoming foster parents. Aaron's dad and step mom had been foster parents and were able to adopt two siblings after they were in their care so we thought that would be an option with looking at. I called our local agency and asked several questions, I shared our story and specifically went into details about Aaron's health because I knew that could be an issue. Aaron was also not at home permanently at this time so I knew that too was another potential obstacle. They were encouraging and said that they did not think there would be any problems with us being able to foster. We filled out some preliminary paperwork. The next step was attending an informational meeting, it was there that we realized that fostering just wasn't for us. We wanted a forever family and they kept stressing the importance of a temporary family. We wanted a baby or toddler and they needed homes for teenagers. It was okay though, we gave that option a fair chance and we made the best decision for us at that time.

       Adoption was another one of our options. I was fortunate to find others in the area who actually had adopted and we were able to get information from them. I have a long time friend who has adopted so I talked with her a lot. We also called around to some of the well known agencies in our area and were connected to an adoption lawyer through a friend's church. We soon found out that there were some obstacles, other than the expense that we were quoted as a minimum of $20,000 by most sources. The other main obstacle we faced is that all of the agencies required two "healthy" parents, and we were not sure Aaron would be considered as that? Plus a birth family had to actually pick us, would Aaron's disabilities prevent them from wanting us to raise their child? 

   
     As a result of the all of the above, sometime in the spring of 2012 we went back to the fertility doctor, we hadn't been there for close to a year. The doctor was very welcoming and discussed the alternatives he and the urologist had come up with. He was confident that one of those options would help us achieve our goal of starting our very own family. He seemed so certain that we shouldn't give up and was very optimistic that we could be ready to start a family within a year. We walked out of that appointment so torn. I think I was hoping for bad news, news that would force me to accept once and for all that we would never have children of our own. 

      In order to pursue any of the options that the doctor recommended, I first had to go through two tests. The one was just a regular appointment but I had to miss work. The second one was more intense, I needed a driver and it required light anesthetic (which I had never had ever in my life). Fortunatley, I was able to schedule the second once once school was out for summer and I found a sweet friend to take me and bring me home and also who I felt comfortable sharing what was going on. 

     

  

   

hIs TiMiNg

      In the heartbreak of knowing we might not be able to have our own family I was faced with a past full of plans and dreams that would no longer become realities, a present that I was having trouble seeing a purpose, and a future that seemed very uncertain. For the first time since Aaron's accident I was not strong, I was very broken. I had fought through the first few years without the thoughts of the future as the day to day battles were the priorities. 

          I was still keeping and had kept a lot of my feelings from Aaron. I knew he felt like it was his fault and that was not a burden I felt he needed to bear. If you knew him well before he accident then you probably know exactly what I am talking about. It wasn't him that caused this, it was the stupid accident. 

    During this time I really started questioning God's plans for our life. We had already been through so much that I felt like this one thing wasn't too much to ask for or was it? I began to also question if I just needed to accept that Aaron and I would never have children and move on? I went back and fourth with these thoughts for months. I was afraid to say it out loud for the fear of being judged or told we were crazy to even want to consider having a family given our current situation. 

   At one point, I even started questioning if we were okay not having children. I thought about the reasons Aaron and I had wanted children before his accident. I even began asking random friends and acquaintances their view on having children and the reasons they would start or had started their own family and why some of them had chosen not to have children. Interestingly enough, most of the answers I got were not rocket science. Most of our friends and acquaintances who wanted children or had children couldn't even tell me a good reason other than it was the next thing to do after they got married. 

    More months went by. I started getting brave enough to talk about what we were going through but I was guarded. When I did talk about it, I chose specific people and limited the amounts of information I disclosed. We had our supporters but I soon found out that no everyone was thrilled about the idea. No one ever said we were wrong or even that we were crazy, I could just tell they thought it was a bad idea. Some even gave specific reasons to support how I felt about their responses and what I thought they were really trying to say. Whether they were judging our decisions or note and whether they were just worried about the load that would add I am still unsure because I was afraid to ask. But it hurt and I already was struggling with it all, it just made my heart hurt more. 

   I keep talking about me but it's important to me that people know that Aaron has been involved in each and every decision that affected both our lives from the time he could finally shake his head yes or no and use a pencil eraser to point to a printed key board to spell his responses to us. Any life altering decisions since the months following Aaron's accident have not been taken lightly and most of all they have not been made without Aaron backing them. 

     I continued to struggle, mostly alone. I continued to be strong when I was with Aaron, often crying on my ride home after seeing him. I continued to push through, putting what I couldn't control out of my mind as much as I could and worked hard at accepting it for what it was. Even though I had just let a handful of people know about pieces of what was happening, I finally stopped talking to others altogether for fear that they would continue to disagree or judge what was best for our future. 

    I was communicating through Facebook with an old friend from a small group I had been part of right after Aaron's accident. She was also struggling with infertility on a different level and had written some things on her page. I don't remember exactly what she wrote but I remember reading it and driving in the car on the way to work a day or two later and it hit me on morning, that a-ha moment where it all made sense and I realized God hadn't said no but he had said not right now. I got it, I felt peace on this subject for the first time in months. I was able to focus on the positive, I knew it wasn't a good time to start a family whether it was possible or not. We weren't ready, I wasn't ready, and there were still too many what ifs lingering. This realization bought me some time and helped me go back having Faith in God's plan and more important, His timing.  

ObStAcLeS

    The conversations about the possibilities of Aaron and I one day having a family of our own started out of my own curiosity after Aaron was at FINR in 2009. Aaron wasn't involved in these conversation at this time, it just became something I had started thinking about. At one point, I ran some thoughts by someone who has become near and dear to the both of us over the past six years with that simple...do you think it is still a possibility? My question was well received and surprisingly I didn't feel that silly for asking...and hoping.  

    Soon after that conversation, that same person was by my side as we took the same thoughts and questions to Aaron's urologist. In case you didn't know, it's not something that we always broadcast, Aaron has a lot of bladder issues dating back to his days in the ICU. We can speculate several of the causes but the truth is we can't change anything. The doctors did what had to be done to keep Aaron alive at that point and due to some factors out of any ones control, Aaron had to get what is called a supra pubic catheter soon after he started his rehabilitation a few months after the accident. It was meant to be temporary at the time but he still has that tube through his belly. It goes directly into his bladder, leading to a leg bag where urine drains. At first I thought it was kind of gross, okay I thought it was really gross and I tried to hide it from everyone. We have had several years to get used to it and it's not so bad anymore. It's something that is most likely permanent even though we have looked alternative options, talked to several doctors, and have been given several opinions. In the big picture it really is a little thing and we just have learned to deal with it...have I lost you yet?

    So this short version of that, summing up what I just explained, Aaron and I would need to use a fertility specialist if we were to ever consider having a baby of our own. At this time, Aaron wasn't well enough to where I felt we could come to a mutual agreement to what we wanted as far as a family or what measures we were willing to take. We weren't ready for this yet and I knew that in my heart so I set my thoughts and questions aside for about the next year and and a half. 

   Sometime in 2011 we started talking it over a little at a time and were able to come to the conclusion that we did want to still have a family of our own...someday. We didn't know when or how but after some research, talking with friends had gone through fertility treatments, and many phone calls we were put in touch with a urologist that did this kind of stuff every day. We had also had a consultation with a fertility doctor who was more than willing to help us and even excited to be a part of our mess. Both came highly recommended and were very encouraging and got us excited about the possibilities. 


    By 2012 Aaron went through two procedures along with medication to "help" on his end. We kept it pretty discrete and only a few people even knew what we were up to. The facility that Aaron was at during that time didn't even know, I used to sneak him the medication each night when I visited in order to protect our privacy. Even though the urologist was highly optimistic both attempts were unsuccessful. I hid as much disappointment as I could, especially from Aaron and few people actually knew what we were going through. 

    At this point, I just knew our chances of having our own family were over. The finality of it hit me hard, I had held hope for so many other random things over the past few years but there truly was an answer to this and it wasn't the one I had wanted to hear. 

   We had one more follow up appointment with the specialist before we were released to Aaron's regular urologist and to our surprise he had a few more ideas if we wanted to hear them. The fertility doctor also had some suggestions if we were interested. At that point, we had been ready to accept what was and just work on moving on but for some reason these two doctors convinced us to  that our final answer might not really be final after all, there was still hope. 

     So here I was feeling heartbroken and hopeless with the possibility of starting all over but still with no guarantees. My heart was broken not once but twice and now we faced the possibility of being let down again. I wasn't sure I could do it all over, much less put Aaron through it for a third time. This is when we decided take a break, pray about it and, consider other options. 

tRaNsPaReNt

        It's crazy how the anxiety that I once felt about talking about and sharing the possibilities of us having our own family has changed over the last few weeks. Just putting it out there and becoming more transparent than I have even been has made so much difference. I am glad that I did it. 

      I have found myself talking with some sweet ladies I am acquainted with recently. It helped that they were encouraging and supportive. I was able to share even more details than I have written. I was surprised how easily the words came out of my mouth. I did not feel like crying and was able to remain composed throughout the conversations. 

       Being this transparent has definitely been challenging for me, while I usually seem to struggle for perfection, I have realized that no matter how many times I edit, delete, or rewrite our story it is something that is still hard for me. It is also something that I found that is finally bringing me some peace. As I continue to share the intimate details of this part of our story and the obstacles we have faced and are still facing, I am finding it easier to be more transparent than I have ever been able to be before.